Dogs don't bite

A friend of mine and I were in a conversation recently, and as part of this, she recommended a book to me called "Dogs Don't Bite When a Growl Will Do", by Matt Weinstein and Luke Barber. It was published by Perigee books in 2003/2004. After a little investigation, I decided to pick up a copy and I'm glad I did. As it says on the cover, it's about what your dog can teach you about living a happy life.

Now I don't own a dog, but I'm always interested in ways to give me a new outlook on life. I'm maybe two-thirds of the way through it, as of today, but I have to say that I find this book a great companion. It's a lighthearted book full of wit and wisdom, life observations, and philosophic quotes and references. I am enjoying it thoroughly. In fact, I have purchased a copy for each of my boys. They each need to read this for different reasons, but I hope they come away from it with a slightly altered view on how to look at their life and new ways to enjoy it.

We can choose to be miserable, and make those around us miserable. Or we can choose to be happy... but it is a choice. I need to read more books like this.

Is the second amendment obsolete?

I am disturbed and dumbfounded by the shootings that have taken place over the past month. The frequency seems to be increasing, and we seem to be becoming desensitized to these events unless they become more and more horrific.

The issue of the second amendment always comes up, and it is an emotional and polarizing subject. However, I think it is becoming more and more important to address this with a rational mind and decide whether we should consider redefining what this amendment means and how it should be adjusted from a 1791 world to a 2007 world.

I can't tell you what ways this should be done. I used to be a gun owner, but I have chosen to step away from this world. Do the research yourself. There are plenty of second amendment web pages to keep you reading for months, but read them, watch the news, and judge for yourself if it is still being used as it was intended, or just another antediluvian provision.

Here's a couple of links to get you started on your quest. The first was written in September of 1999, and the second was written in December of 2007. Think it over.

My blog in review

I recently took a look at my blog and reread most of them. I found that my opinions and attitudes covered a range of emotions, and although a significant amount of time has passed since I began this, much of what I wrote still (for the most part) reflects my feelings about most subjects. It's interesting to read these from start to finish, like a book. Not always stimulating reading though. Sometimes I don't know what I was thinking.

In the beginning (2004), I put out 47 posts. Not bad really. It was fresh and I wanted to say a lot. We were living in Korea at the time, so I suppose it helped to fill in the empty periods. Looking back, I don't know when that was. I enjoyed my time there immensely, and always look forward to going back whenever we can.

I don't know what happened in 2005. I only made 3 entries. We moved back to the USA in January that year, and I suppose we were preoccupied with getting our life restarted here. I spent most of my time in these blog posts apologizing for not making more entries. I rediscovered that life in the USA is a heck of a lot more complicated than in Korea. I guess it was nice to be busier... sort of. Certainly Shinkendo was a major part of 2005. I profoundly miss those days.

I picked up speed in 2006 with 13 entries, but not much. Of course this was the year when cancer hit the fan. I became sort of hyper-focused on this, but I suppose life occurrences like this have a way of smacking you right between the eyes. I had to give up some things in my new post-cancer life, and for this I feel a great loss. This was also the year I got religion (so to speak, but not really "religion") and did a double take on what was important in my life. My internal pointer got a badly needed recalibration, and I started enjoying the things I'm supposed to. Of course this doesn't mean I'm any less opinionated, just more recentered and introspective.

2007 saw 23 posts. 24 with this one. Although I'm doing my best to put my brain tumor surgery behind me and look forward, I know now that it will always be with me in some fashion, and will never be a distant memory. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but I admire what he is trying to do for the fight against cancer. As I have been made aware of this side of life, I'm learning that there are a lot more people with some form of disease or condition than I ever imagined. I don't know how I missed this before, but I can certainly see them now, and it's disconcerting. This was a year of measurable highs and lows, but a good one nonetheless.

I probably won't go back and look over my blog again, but I'm glad I did it. For all I know, my writings and various ramblings may far outlive me. I don't know if that's a good thing, but at least I know that some of my rambling thoughts will be preserved for some unknown person to trip over. Maybe it might even make a positive impression. I can only hope so.

Too much time on my hands

This is short and sweet, but I've been messing around and have created a little movie for your entertainment. I hope you enjoy it.

Taking a well deserved brain-break

Although it’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this page, it doesn’t mean that I’ve been idle. Let me catch you up.

Back in the first of August I had an MRI, which was good, and on October 3, I had another MRI, which was also fine. I commented to my doctor that even though I’ve been off of the chemo since May, and for that matter everything else as well, things have continued to look great. We are both encouraged by this fact. The longer I go with no problems, the better things look that we have beaten this thing. Although I can’t relax for a while, I listen to stories from people like Lance Armstrong and others, and hope that my success can be added to theirs, of people that have looked death in the face and survived. My doctor also made it clear that my situation is extremely rare, and I have multiple options for future treatment that others in my situation don’t have. How lucky can one guy get? Not much I think.

During the last couple of months I have gone through some sort of cold or flu malady. This was really a major pain. Throughout the last year and a half, while going though all the chemo and having my condition and resistance in a less than optimum condition, I never once got sick. Now that I’ve been off that stuff for a while, I seem to be more susceptible. How weird is that?

About a month and a half ago I picked up some sort of bug, missed a few days of work, and felt funky for about a week with it. What followed though, was another month of feeling less than normal. My upper respiratory system was aching most of the time, I had a lot of sinus headaches, the lump of crap in the back of my throat never seemed to go away, and my energy level was continuously in the pits. I felt worse than when I was on the chemo, and it dragged on and on. I was beginning to feel like I was never going to feel normal again. I continued to try to work out and play racquetball (my son Aaron kicks my butt no matter what anyway), but the extra activity taxed my system, and I usually paid for it later.

The only consolation was that I wasn’t alone. All around me at work, you could hear the same sort of coughing, hacking, and sneezing I had been going through. Most of the time, they sounded even worse than I did. Some of the people around me got it before I did, and were still struggling with it even after I was more or less back to normal. My workmate, who sits in the next cube from me, got the same thing. He was out of work for an entire week, and spent the next month or more sounding worse than I ever did. Some people are still struggling with whatever it is, and it’s been at least three months or more since this whole cycle of sickness started. Actually, by the time my part was over with, I felt like I had done better than most, but one thing began to become clear, it was the environment we were working in that was the culprit for all of our combined misery.

I had read somewhere that some working environments were responsible for perpetuating health problems, but it hasn’t been until lately that realized that we were spending most of our working day in one of them. We spend more of the working day breathing the same air, in cloth walled and carpeted cubicles that were probably a breeding ground for dust and bacteria. We were all adding to it by showing up to work partially sick and spreading our germs into the air, but all of this woven material was soaking it up and keeping it there for us to rebreathe every day thereafter. I looked forward to getting out of the building at lunch, just to get a little fresh air. A lot other people feel the same way, but we are just one time voice in a large corporate machine, so our opinions count for little, and no one listens anyway.

I’m taking vacation now with Sue. This is the first real vacation we’ve taken since we moved back to the USA from Korea, back in January of 2005… and it feels fantastic. It’s funny though… here we are back in Seoul and loving every minute of it.

It is particularly liberating for me. Could feel the stress melt away the moment I got on the plane. Singapore Airline was always my favorite, but they have even gone up a couple notches from there. They have upgraded their planes and service since I last flew with them, so it is even nicer than before, and the twelve-hour plus flight was as nice as it could possibly could be. Flying first class would be the only improvement I could make, but coach now with Singapore Air is the best I’ve experienced.

Here in Korea, I am as relaxed as a body can be. I have no cell phone, no watch, no worries, no money (Sue has that), no timetable, and no interest in changing the status on my busy (NOT) schedule. This is a true vacation, and a total brain-break. The only way it would improve is if I had no reason to go back. Of course that’s not going to happen, so I’m taking full advantage of the current situation.

I hope you’ll excuse the length of this. I’m just feeling… well, relaxed.

A new spot on the map

While I was chatting with my doctor the other day, the subject of food came up. Knowing that Sue is Korean, she asked me if I knew of a good Korean restaurant. I said, "Well, no. The only Korean food I've found worth my time is at my house."

She laughed and said she likes kimchi, but didn't know of any place in the valley I could recommend. I guess she felt that I'm the resident expert. I'm not, but after having lived in Korea for a while, my taste buds have matured a bit. Sort of like trying to find REAL Mexican food in Arizona as well. It's very hard. In the USA, we've managed to Americanize ethnic food from every corner of the globe to our own taste, and causing it to lose virtually all of the stuff that made it great ethnic food. There are exceptions, but you have to do a lot of searching and experimentation before finding a shining star... if there is one.

Anyway, the same day that my doctor and I had our conversation, I was driving home from work on a different route, because my car was running on fumes. On my way to get gas, I passed a restaurant that I never saw there before. It's called the Manna Cafe. It was clearly Korean, because there was Hangul right on their sign.

On Saturday, Sue and I went there, because I had to check this place out. Well, I can say now that it was worth the effort. I had their mushroom tofu soup, and Sue had a humongous bowl of noodles. The side dishes were a tasty addition as well. They were all of what I remembered from my time in Korea, but I think I'm going to have to go back a few more times to check out more items on the menu to be sure. I'm just glad it's only a few miles from work, making it a short drive for some great Korean food.

You learn something new every day

I haven't talked much lately about my progress or status of Glioblastoma Multiforme (brain tumor) they removed from my head last year, and as time goes on, I suppose I'll be talking even less, but today I had my latest MRI. The results showed no change, which is great. That means that as far as anyone can see (and it's been about 18 months or so since this whole thing began, and two months since the termination of any treatment) there has been no growth or detectable difference in my status. Of course this is fantastic news, and my doctors couldn't be more pleased.

But I learned something today. The MRI tech, Karl (big guy, nice as they come), had a few minutes before his next appointment, so we talked about a few things... drag racing, kids, and the MRI system. They do the MRI with and without contrast, to get a better look at what's going on. To give added contrast to the image, they inject a fluid with has magnetic properties. I never knew what it was, but Karl told me the stuff is called Gadolinium... Number 64 on the Periodic Table. Being the curious techie sort that I am, I looked it up. I recommend that you do the same, but in short, here's what I learned.

Gadolinium is used in nuclear marine propulsion systems as a burnable poison. The gadolinium slows the initial reaction rate, but as it decays other neutron poisons accumulate, allowing for long-running cores. Gadolinium is also used as a secondary, emergency shut-down measure in some nuclear reactors, particularly of the CANDU type. The CANDU reactor is a pressurized heavy water reactor developed initially in the late 1950s and 1960s.

Gadolinium also possesses unusual metallurgic properties, with as little as 1% of gadolinium improving the workability and resistance of iron, chromium and related alloys to high temperatures and oxidation.

Because of their paramagnetic properties, solutions of organic gadolinium complexes and gadolinium compounds are used as intravenous radiocontrast agents to enhance images in medical magnetic resonance imaging. Magnevist is the most widespread example.

Besides MRI, gadolinium (Gd) is also used in other imaging. In X-ray, gadolinium is contained in the phosphor layer suspending in a polymer matrix at the detector. Terbium-doped gadolinium oxysulfide (Gd2O2S: Tb) at the phosphor layer is to convert the X-rays releasing from the source into light. Gd can emit at 540nm (green light spectrum = 520 – 570nm), which is very useful for enhancing the imaging quality of the X-ray that are exposed to the photographic film.

A "nm" is nanometer for those of you who were wondering. A nanometer is a unit of spatial measurement that is 10-9 meter, or one billionth of a meter. It is commonly used in nanotechnology, the building of extremely small machines.

Anyway, beside Gd's spectrum range, the compound also has a K-edge at 50 kiloelectron volt (keV), which means its absorption of X-ray through photoelectric interactions is great. The energy conversion of Gd is up to 20%, which means, one-fifth of the X-ray striking on the phosphor layer can be converted into light photons.

I found it interesting anyway, but then I've got the stuff floating around in my system for a while. This accounts for my magnetic personality, er uh, well maybe.

Music worth your time

I'm a huge fan of internet radio for three main reasons...

1. I hate the chat and other things from DJ's, etc.
2. I don't like the break-up of songs (not playing the whole thing, interrupting the stream of consciousness [mood] for things like commercials, etc.
3. Primarily though, because I can hear great music not played on standard radio stations.... Little known artists, other tracks on albums often ignored, and music from other countries and cultures not available elsewhere.

There are plenty of secondary reasons, but these cover the main points.

I can listen wherever I have an internet connection, and since I've gone wireless in our home, I've connected a computer to our stereo, so we can play it all day long, with no interruptions... just great music. And because they post the information on the music they play, I can get the name of the tunes and artists I like and buy the CDs for my own collection.

My taste in music is about as broad as it gets (sorry though... not much country, and no rap or hip hop). I like to experiment listening to other culture's music, because you'll never know what might hit you just the right way. However I am an old time rock & roller at heart. At work though, and at home too, I find my taste is a little toned down. I want to relax and give my mind a break from the stress of the day.

Some radio stations also transmit on the internet, but I only listen to the ones with no talk and no commercials.

Some of my favorites are:

KCDX - Rock & Roll

Sky.fm - Where you can find a large assortment of music. I like their New Age channel.

Digitally Imported - Lots more of the same.

While listening, I found a fantastic husband and wife group called Laliya. They are in Perth, Australia and have a sound that I find relaxing and at the same time painting pictures in my mind and taking me places I've never been before. If you're curious enough to check them out, go to MySpace and give them a listen. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

There is no God

I was raised Catholic. As a youth I attended church, served the church as a alter boy, and felt that what I was doing was right and had purpose. As I got older and began to analyze my thinking more closely I could see there were flaws in my faith. I watched as people around me (very intelligent people) rationalized the things they had no control over (or placed accountability) on something they could not see, feel, or even prove the existence of.

As science and technology has advanced and we have learned much more beyond applying existing knowledge to something, or even applying blind faith to some occurance, it has become ever more apparent that there is no God. There is only us, and what we do with our time while we are here on earth.

I do not argue the point well, so I do not get into discussions on religeon, but I found a few sites that substantiate what I know in my own mind to be true.

Proof that there is no God by Fredrik Bendz, There is No God by Penn Jillette, and There is No God (And You Know It) by Sam Harris

These sites express my sentiments, and validate by own belief that we are here for the time we are here... and no more.

And now for something completely different

On Monday, June 11, I learned a new word...

in·nu·en·do
Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-yoo-en-doh]
–noun, plural -dos, -does.
1. an indirect intimation about a person or thing, esp. of a disparaging or a derogatory nature.
2. Law.
a. a parenthetic explanation or specification in a pleading.
b. (in an action for slander or libel) the explanation and elucidation of the words alleged to be defamatory.
c. the word or expression thus explained.

New definitions based on experience:
3. An Italian suppository.
4. A colonoscopy.

Ok, seriously now... I had my first colonoscopy on Monday. And while there are a lot of jokes and laughs that come out of the preparation part, it's a serious and simple procedure that I now feel that every person should have done, when the time is right.

Other than having to take a day off work, it's virtually painless and easy to do. I had a certain amout of trepidation about the whole thing, but most of that was from ignorance. However, I knew that it was important that I do this, so I did. When it was all over, I thought to myself, "What's the big deal? That was a piece of cake."

Normally if they don't find anything, you can expect to go back in about ten years for a follow-up. In my case, they removed a couple of polyps, so I need to go back in three years, instead. If you're wondering what polyps are, check out this site...
Colon Polyps
This covers the subject well, and should answer any questions.

If you're at risk (which I am not), then it's all the more important to talk to your doctor about having one done. Don't wait and don't put it off.

Now that it's all over, I want to recommend to any of you that are getting ready to have the procedure, or are putting it off for one reason or another... get it done. It can save your life, or at the very least, give you some piece of mind.

Besides, everyone can use an extra day off work.

June 07 is finally here

It‘s been a while since I’ve had time to sit down and write something, although it’s been near the top of my list for the past couple of weeks.
I’ve been enjoying my freedom from chemo treatments, and although it’ll be a little while longer before it’s out of my system, I can already begin to notice the difference. What I have to do now is make an effort to use that energy to get some things done. After spending the last year and a half in energy saving mode, getting my butt moving is not always easy. I’m about 25 lbs. heavier now, so that is the first thing that has to be addressed. I’ve increased my workouts a little, but that takes breaking habits I’ve accumulated. Bad Tink!

Sue’s garden is producing well, and although it’s our first attempt at doing this, we’re both happy with the result. At least I’ve shown myself I don’t always kill every plant I try to grow. Some of them have proven to be quite tasty. Allowing something to ripen on the vine is, of course, vastly superior to buying something picked prematurely and displayed in the grocery store.

Sue’s sister and husband are coming for a visit from Korea at the end of the month and I will be glad to see them again. I can’t speak Korean, but we seem to enjoy each other’s company all the same. Sue is kept busy at translating, but she doesn’t seem to mind doing it. I’m sure I bug her a lot about what I’m missing, but she smiles and puts up with all my questions.

We had an even bigger surprise within the past couple of weeks. Sue’s sister managed to find Sue’s kids in Seoul after 15 years of not having contact. I’ll talk more about this in the future, but I had always wished that she would be able to reestablish contact with them. When she came to America, and time wore on, I had all but given up hope.
Finding them is fantastic news. They haven’t actually spoken or emailed each other yet, but that will all happen very soon. The next few weeks are going to get really interesting.

A May to remember

May has been a great month in a number of ways, but the best two both relate to health.

Number one… I took my last series of chemo at the beginning of May. I can’t believe it’s finally over… well, yes I can. It’s been a long time coming, and while I was taking the stuff, I didn’t think this time would ever come. It’ll take a couple of months to clear it from my system, but it’s been about two and a half weeks since the last dose, and I already feel so much better. My weight workouts are already getting stronger, and my racquetball games against my son are returning to the pre-chemo days (last night we played for an hour and got one and a half games in). I’ve packed on an extra 25 lbs. since this whole adventure started, so this has GOT to be the first thing to go.

Number two… I had an MRI yesterday, and it came through looking like every other one I’ve had since the surgery. Clear with no sign of anything going on. This is fantastic news! I looked at the scans with my doctor, and if there weren’t a date visible on the scan you wouldn’t be able to tell one scan from another.

We are stretching out my visits now, so it won’t be such a regular thing anymore. I have also started making plans with dates out there a ways. I’ve lived my life in two-month increments for the past year and a half, so it feels terrific to be able to look ahead and see a little further down the road. I'm already beginning to view this whole experience as just a side trip with some valuable lessons included. Now I can get back on the main highway and enjoy the scenery again.

The last year and a half was tough on my Sue. She didn’t sign on to our journey together to have her mettle put to the test like this. However, she has stuck in there and been with me fighting this every step of the way. I’m sure there were a lot of times when the worry and stress were not easy to overcome, but she never let me see that side of her. She has always been one of the bravest and most resolute people I’ve known. Now it’s time for me to return some of that energy to her. I can never give her back all that she has given, but I’m sure as hell going to try.

Bend over and grab your wallet... update

I went to the Sams Club web site and placed my sentiments on a message to their Customer Service department.
Imagine my surprise when I received this message back from them a little while ago...

Dear Online Customer,
Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding your Sam's Club® account, and the opportunity to be of service to you.
In the interest of customer service and goodwill, we are crediting your account for late charges assessed in the amount of $20.00. This credit will appear on your next billing statement.

I guess it sometimes does pay to be a cranky old curmudgeon. Don't be afraid to speak up for what you think is right. Once in a while it does pay off.

Bend over and grab your wallet

I have Sams Club ID card (they are part of the Walmart group). I never used it for charges before, although I could have. Recently, I allowed my son to use it to charge his gas, and this has worked out fine. He paid the bill on time and there was never a problem.

The April billing cycle was $60.65. He paid it, but it was due on April 1, so by the time it was credited to the account (April 3), it was two days late. Not a big deal, so I expected to get hit with a finance charge for a couple days. Imagine my surprise when the next bill came with a late charge of $20. I couldn't believe it. $20 for being two days late. Now they can charge whatever they want, but this amounts to a 33% penalty fee (or basically $10 a day). Outrageous wouldn't you say?

I called them to discuss the issue, but of course I got some customer service girl, who couldn't do anything except say she wasn't authorized to make adjustments. Whoopee! I told her I would pay the fee, but this would be the last time I ever use their card for charges again. She gave me the impression like she could care less.

I find it incredible that they can assess fees to their customers as they please, and then put up barriers for disputing the charges such that all you can do is just give up and pay the fee, because fighting anything like this is a major time expense, and probably resulting in no resolution, because you can never reach anyone that can actually do anything.

I have never liked Walmart, so I'll still avoid the place, but now I find that Sams Club has joined the list of businesses that takes advantage of the small print (which is nebulous on the back of their statements on their fees and charges) and has perpetuated the definition of "Customer Service" as an oxymoron. Aargghhh!

The Last Picture Show

Well, if you can't tell, let me say that I'm pretty excited. April 30 is when I begin my last 5 day chemo treatment, and I couldn't be more pleased. It's been 13 months since this whole GBM thing entered my life, and I'm glad to see this chapter pass into history. It'll be another month before I begin to see the effects of the chemo finally leave, and I'll know what it feels to be normal again. I've been working out, bike riding, and playing racquetball, but I always seem to be doing it at some reduced level. I hope I can finally get back to the business of pushing my limits the way I did before this all started. I still have some weight to lose and redistribute, and once I do, maybe some other things will fall into place. I'm anxious to get back to the business of being just plain old me. Let's get to it. I'm ready!

Pandora's box

I’m in shock by what I have been reading lately about the latest shootings going on in this country. It’s really no surprise that we continue to allow this to happen, but it’s horribly tragic nonetheless. What’s the most lamentable about this situation is that we bring it on ourselves by doing nothing substantial to control it. This troubles me greatly.

Every time something like this happens, it only accentuates a problem that we have created and are in denial about. It may not be as hyped by the media, depending on the news worthy value, but it happens to some degree every day in nearly every city in this country, large or small. Drive by shootings, murders, robberies, and assorted accidental deaths all seem to involve a gun type of weapon with unbelievable regularity.

Our illustrious politicians, for all their rhetoric and expressions of commendation and desire to do something, really end up doing nothing except doing whatever they need to do to assure their own survival as a politician. They are held hostage by one of the largest and well-organized lobbies in the USA. I’m talking about the NRA. I believe the NRA serves a good purpose, but its lobbyists do not. They regularly find ways to block important and necessary legislation, that our (seemingly) spineless politicians will not push through, for fear of upsetting the NRA, or creating a row with their NRA loving constituents.

The common sentiment is something like, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” They are correct in this simple statement, but solving the solving the problem of needless deaths is going to require a complicated and radical solution.

I view a simple mathematical formula to state the situation like this:
Hu + Gn + Lc + X = Dt
Hu = a person
Gn = a gun
Lc = Legislation and control
X(y) = the unknown factor (I‘ll explain in a moment)
Dt = dead things (other humans, animals, etc.)

The math is really simple when you think about it. To control one side of the equation, you must balance out the equation by modifying the other side. To have fewer dead things, you must reduce something on the other side of the equation. As the population increases (Hu), doing nothing to other factors increases Dt.

The X(y) element included above are things we have no control over. Education, love of the sport, responsibility for our own actions, complying with existing laws, racial bigotry, religious radicalism, mental stability, narcissist ideals, criminal predilection, are just a sample of the unpredictable factors. Try as we might, we will never get a handle on these. "Need" does not calculate. With everything else in proper stability, need should not be a factor. That’s why we have law enforcement (however, see factors of X(y) for extenuating factors).

I am not against the ownership of guns. I have owned several. I also feel that guns for hunting for food is one thing. Gun ownership for any other reason is a questionable activity for anyone other than sport or the historical collector. Handguns are only made for one purpose, period.

The 2nd amendment was created at a time in this country’s history when we needed it. It doesn’t carry the same meaning as it did when it was first written, and is subject to every interpretation possible that will justify any given purpose. It’s a Pandora’s box we can never close again.

I’m no more a fan of increased legislation than I am of the NRA lobbyists, but politicians will have to grow some and create a workable and sustainable foundation to enable us to live free of the existing situation, but allow each of us to keep our individual freedoms.

I need a new plan... or two!

It's been almost three weeks since my last notes. Dispiriting. I actually haven't been that busy, but time certainly gets away from you when you have lots of little things happening in a short time. Just like everyone else, you pack in as much as possible during the day, and when it's time to hit the sack, you feel like you didn't make a dent in anything. On the contrary, you feel like you are more behind now than when you first woke up that day. We each have our daily delemmas to deal with, so I don't even feel unique with mine.

Block out the best part during the week for the ever present work-a-day type job, and there isn't much time left in the evening to make up for what there is left to do. Sue and I are working hard at making out greenhouse prosper and produce something worthwhile one of these days. We give it some daily attention to make sure it's still doing it's thing and not getting anything it shouldn't. Sue is also growing lots of flowers in both the front and back yard, so we also was to monitor these. Then it's onto dinner, dishes, blah, blah, blah.

Three nights are also relegated to working out with my son, Aaron. Twice a week, it's bowflex time after he gets off work. The other evening is reserved for racquetball; an evening I know we both look forward to. It doesn't matter what kind of day either of us has had, two minutes after we start playing, it's all cancelled out by the need to stay focused on the game and not let the other clean your clock on the court. It's the most physical either of us gets during the week, and we both love it.

In spite of this, I don't seem to be making any progress in my quest to get back to my old physical condition. I definitly need a new plan for this. I put out a few inquiries on the Men's Health, but disappointingly, those inquiries have provided zero help. Men's Health seems to be focused primarily on arketing to those younger than myself, and efforts to solicit real help has only produced a few personal opinions, and nothing more. For someone sincere in their search for help, this is not the place to go. The thing that annoys me the most these days is anything that wastes my personal time.

Regardless, I still want to lose the gained excess, regain my lost conditioning, and even strengthen myself better than before. I know it's possible. The will is there, I just need a plan I can work at and stick with. I have a piece of Windows software I'm adapting to my Mac. I hope this provides some additional insight.

I just finished my 11th series of chemo, with one left to go, so I know I'm still a couple months away from feeling normal. But I'm not going to wait. I've waited long enough. Sue and I got ourselves a tandem bike and will start using this as much as time allows. I also have been trying to working a little jogging into my schedule, but trying to fit more stuff into the week isn't easy. I just need to get busy.

Of gardening and carburetors

Over the weekend, I went to an optical shop to get new lenses for my glasses. The cute girl behind the counter told us that my prescription was nearly expired, and so I found myself explaining once again that I had had a bad year last year, and I wanted to make sure I was going to be around a bit longer, before I went to the trouble to refill my prescription. After a short interaction about what had taken place, we moved on and completed the transaction.

It occurred to me afterward that because a year had passed, and I was not only still above ground, but thriving and improving as well,and finding it less and less necessary to explain my reasons for postponing certain actions, and the reasons for why I was doing so.

It’s not that I have forgotten what transpired, or felt that it was unimportant. On the contrary, I still feel it every day. I still have chemo drugs in my system and will continue to do so for at least a few more months, and I can still feel the scar where the doctor cut open my skull (the nerves have not repaired themselves yet, so it is still somewhat numb). I just find that I am trying to move past that episode in my life, and not make justification for my lack of doing certain things. I look plenty normal, and from my level of activity, no one would normally notice what I still feel inside. I mask it fairly well, and only those closest to me can tell when I’m having an off time. Sometimes not even then.

I’m finding it easier now to look forward, and plan for more than just a month ahead. I am still making careful decisions about the future, but am doing so with a bit more far-sightedness than I did even a few months ago. I’d like to see this continue. I have some milestones coming up, and would like to see them come and go with as little impact on my life as possible. There is plenty to do, and I have years of marriage and (hopefully!)grandkids to look forward to. There is a long list of places left to visit, and unfinished projects to complete, so the less I have to think and talk about my previous GBM, the better. I’d much rather talk about gardening or carburetors any day.

A time for change

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts. One year ago, on March 22, I was rushed into surgery to remove the Grade IV GBM, residing in the back of my brain. It hardly seems like it was a year ago. So much has happened since then. Aside from the follow-up treatments, which have sucked a fair portion of my energy away for the past year, I feel great. I haven’t returned to my former self, but I’ve changed in mind and body since then, so I don’t know that my inner self wants to be the person that I was.

I’m working out again regularly and I like that a lot. I’m surprised that I’m as strong as I am, and can do pretty much what I want to. My only problem now is, where do I want to go from here? The simple fact that I’m older and (let’s face it) slower than I used to be has me reevaluating what my new interests should be. I gave up Shinkendo because I didn’t know how soon I might come back to it. Now that I’m at that crossroads, I don’t have the interest in retraining to regain my former expertise. I’ll be, for the most part, competing with kids 1/3 to ½ my age. And although I don’t feel like that might stop me, I will never come back up to the level that will make me a valued contributor. The sport has not sat idle while I have been out, so I have a lot of new material to learn, while honing the old stuff. That a pretty steep climb to make just to satisfy some sort of undefined inner goal.

Besides, I have so many other things I’ve yet to try, I feel like it’s time for me to take pride in what I accomplished and find a new challenge. There are plenty of unexplored opportunities still waiting, so I’d better get busy.

I finished building Sue’s greenhouse, and she already has plenty of plants poking up through the ground. I hope all the tomatoes, squash, peppers, spinach, strawberries, and herbs turn out as well as they are starting. I’m anxious to award her with a farmer’s merit badge. She seems so excited about her efforts so far. We have flowers growing everywhere as well.

This year (although it's having a rocky start) seems to be in substantial contrast to the one we just had. I hope it continues to brighten up and improve as it continues through spring. The Year of the Pig could be a good one for us.

Ready? Forward --- March

Here we are at the beginning of March, and I have to tell you that I lost my bet with Sue. Although I gave it a good effort (not my best), I could not get my waist down to a 32. I could get into some of my pants that were 32s, but it was a painful experience. The bet was in good fun, but she'll have that to remind me of until we can find something else to bet on.

We worked on Sue's vegetable garden this weekend, and finished getting it ready for planting. We finished off the construction of it and by lunchtime on Sunday, she was already poking seeds and a few plants in the ground. It'll be interesting how things go. The spinach we had already planted is doing very well and producing leaves four times larger than any I've seen in the store. If the tomatoes do as well (I've never raised tomatoes), we'll have them coming out the wazoo in about six weeks. So far, so good.

I try not to listen to politics, but sometimes it's almost impossible. It's in our faces every day, and no matter how hard we try to avoid it... there it is. So I'm going to have my brief say and from there, forget about it.

I have not been pleased with whe Iraq war and the deceitfulness that seems to be part of the normal mode of operation of giving us the facts as the government sees them. They point so many fingers back and forth, that you can 't even keep score anymore. John Kyle and John McCain were steadfast republican supporters of Bush and his war. McCain even said that we needed to send more troops than even Bush wanted to send. Kyle has basically disappeared from the landscape after the election. I supose he's in an undisclosed location keeping his head down.

I wrote letters to Kyle and McCain teling them that if they were going to continue to support Bush, I could no longer support them. A few days later, I heard reports that McCain was losing popularity, so I guess I wasn't the only one. A lot of Bush supporters like him are going to have to do a lot of backpeddeling and distancing, if they are to keep their own image in the popular view. However, I meant what I said about McCain. As far as I'm concerned, his run for the White House is just exercise.

Did you ever notice that before the last election, there was hardly ever the mention of the word "bipartisan"? Now that Bush is set back on his heels, it bipartisan this, and bipartisan that. I'll be glad when he's out of the media focal point and I don't have to look at his smug face anymore. He's giving self-righteous people a bad name.

I start session 10 of my chemo treatment on Monday. Two more to go after that. Wahoo! I've been doing that stuff for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. The working out has helped. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and I'm making progress improvements as I dive into the next change in my program. I'm surprised to find that the best I feel all day is when I'm working out and pushing my body to its limits. The worst I feel all day is when I'm sitting on my can. I do believe there's a message there somewhere. This is especially true as the weather gets nicer everyday, and being outside feels so good. Sitting on my patio and using my wireless connection somehow feels so right.

Tax procrastination

I REALLY need to get going on my taxes, but this is a whole easier, so that job will have to wait just a little longer.

Aaron and I have been working out for about three or four weeks now, and I think we are beginning to see some improvement. Our strength has improved and I feel better than I have in a long time. We also play racquetball once a week. He continues to outscore me, but it takes him a half hour to do it. The gap in our scores is also closing. I do get tired and so we only play for an hour now. This is a great time for Aaron and I to spend together. We talk a little, but mostly just spend our time together doing something we like. He's really busy these days, so I treasure the limited time we have together.

I going to try introducing a little running into my routine on the days when I don't lift weights or ride the bike. My waist isn't changing much, so I'm going to ratchet up my workouts up a little to see if it helps.

Last weekend, I built a (sort of) greenhouse for Sue. It started out as an engineering project to see if I could create one, and turned out to be pretty neat. It's not especially large, but will give her some dedicated space to grow vegetables and stuff. It's partially self-watering also, so it won't take as much effort to keep going. We'll see how this pans out.

The big deal this week happened when I went to see the dentist. Since the surgery last year, I've noticed an acceleration in my teeth showing signs of wear. My dentist took a look and said that people who have had radiation treatments like I have, often have the same sort of things happening to their teeth. Deterioration increases, along with the added propensity for cavities. It doesn't help that I grind my teeth in my sleep like a millstone.

The good news is that he can fix it.
The bad news is the amount of damage requires some extensive work. This also means extensive charges, to the tune of about $9000 or so. Yikes!! I suspected it was going to cost, but I never imagined that sort of amount. He itemized it all out, and it all makes sense. It just doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Who has that sort of money for this sort of thing anyway? Maybe if your're a celebrity with lots of cash this wouldn't be a big deal, but an average joe like me, it's huge, huge bucks.

I guess I won't start building my new hot rod for quite a while. That gardening thing might turn out to be a something I can do in the mean time. Maybe I'll learn how not to murder the plants before they produce something good.

Ten Month Hiatus

From the begining of my brain tumor problems, I have laid off doing any kind of real physical working out. The result was not pretty. I've gained at least two inches to my middle and about 30 pounds. This was not only disappointing, but unhealthy as well. Although I've been wanting to get on some sort of program again, the chemo and the fatigue from it seemed to put my drive in "Park". But I've decided that I had had enough when my pant were beginning to get tight again... not to mention my profile in the mirror was looking less and less appealing.

I bought a Bowflex and a recumbent bike and decided that I was going to put a stop to my increasing diameter and limited energy level. Aaron, my youngest son felt the same way. He had backed off from his past activity, and for different reasons was feeling too big for his britches.

We have been working out regularly for just two weeks, and I have to say that for myself, I am already feeling the difference. My weight hasn't begun to drop yet, but my physical abilities on the machines has improved considerably. The best I feel all day is when I am working out. I already am feeling an increase in my energy level, albeit small, but I can tell it is having its positive effects. We have also begun playing racquetball once a week for an hour. We aren't back to our pre-tumor form, but the games are still way more lively that I ever expected.

I am just about to begin a new chemo cycle, so I don't know how all this will effect my performance, but I can already see that I won't be slumping back to my old level. I hope as I get stronger, my lack of energy will begin to fade and I can feel more like my prior self.

I bet my wife, Sue, $500 dollars I could be at a 32 inch waist by March 1. We never exchange the cash on our bets, but the pressure to live up to my bet is there all the same. Let's hope I didn't get in over my head this time.

Dimwit drivers beware

Recently I found a few sites that you may find of interest.

http://www.driversrevenge.com/
http://www.idiotdriveralert.com/
http://www.safedrivinginstitute.com/index2.html

We've all experienced bad drivers almost every day. People using their cell phones or pdas while driving, putting on make-up, eating, changing clothes, or just being a blockhead on the highway. I only drive a short distance to work everyday, but I see a never ending supply of bad drivers. I guess they feel that rules of the road are for everyone else. There are plenty of examples of really bad drivers on these sites, so I won't repeat them here. Check them out for yourself.

If you're tired of just putting up with all the idiot drivers out there, here is your chance to let your feelings be known. Record the pertinent information, then go to to one of these sites to voice your ire. If nothing else, you can let off a little steam. Maybe some real good will eventually come of this.

Warning! Rant Approaching: The new normal

I've been bugged by this for a long time, but this is the first time I've said something that probably bugs others as well.

Why has dishonesty become the norm? We see it and hear it every day... from politicians, diplomats, movie and TV stars, criminals, officials that are paid to serve us, etc. When asked a direct question, even when the smoking gun is obvious, their answer always seems to be that they didn't do it. "I did not have sex with that woman", "I didn't say that. It never happened", the plea is always "Not Guilty", or their memory no longer clear. When asked a direct question and their back is tightly against the wall, the facts suddenly seem foggy and unreliable. Their publicist tells the media that she was just going for a burger. It was the band's fault, not mine. It was a costume malfunction. I didn't know the stunt was dangerous. The files were inadvertently destroyed. Make a long winded statement and dance around the question, when all we really want is a simple Yes or No.

Is it me, or has personal integrity, moral principals, and responsibility become just a thing of our honored past and replaced with hypomnesia. I would have a hard time directly lying to someone I knew, let alone an entire country or group of admirers. However the people we most look up to do this to us every day. Deniability is practically cliche'.

Have we become such a jaded society that we have come to expect bullshit expanations instead of the simple truth?... Even under oath?... I hope not, but these days I'm not sure what the actual truth of any matter really is. Who can you really trust? If anyone knows, please tell me.

Spare tire

For the most part I've always been in pretty good shape. I've never had six-pack abs or bulging biceps, but I do OK. For the last ten months or so, I've found myself laying back... mostly because the chemo leaves me fatigued a lot of the time, but also because it's easier than fighting it. As a result, I've put on weight that I am not pleased with. I've lost a LOT of my muscle mass and I tire that much easier.

Well that's going to change, starting now. I've turned half the garage into a quasi-gym, and am putting in the things that will help me get back some of the muscle and drop some of the non-value added bulk I've put on. My most recent addition is a recumbent bike. I've always liked these and I find that with some good ole rock and roll playing, I can go for quite a while.

The Bowflex is for the strengthening thing, and I hope to get back some of what I have lost. I know I have to start out slow, but my main interest, is recovering my recovery rate. With a gym in my garage, I should be able to be a little more dilligent about it, but also I need to lay off the sweets, which have become a valued comfort food during my chemo treatments. My taste buds have suffered some, and this is one of the few foods that makes me feel good... a little too good I suppose, so it's going to take some will power to keep walking past the kitchen and into the garage. Maybe I should buy a set of blinders. Let's see how it goes.

Happy New Year

It's 2007 finally, and I'm as happy to see 2006 pass into memory as I can be. Some good things happened, but the year had to have been the worst one on record for me. What I plan to do now is focus on the coming one and don't dwell on what has already occurred. It's hard though. Having a brain tumor changes you in ways I never thought about.

I am one of the lucky ones though. Although I am destined to be in the chemo loop for a little while longer, for the most part I am unchanged. when I was in the hospital, I witnessed a number of people who were far worse off than me, with a significant uphill road ahead of them. I can't imagine what they had yet to experience, nor the dependence they will place upon their families during their recovery. And there were those whose tumor was not in a good place. Their time is limited, and there is little technology and medicine can do for them. We have learned much about the brain, but it seems like there is a lot more we don't know, and have made few real advances in the past twenty years. There is much to do.

This year I am setting my sights on getting back some semblance of myself as I was efore this all started. From nearly a year of low level activity, I have lost nearly half my muscle mass. This bothers me. I used to be in pretty good shape for me age, so I am anxious to get back some of what I've lost. Something tells me it's going to be a lot more of a challenge this time. I'm ready for the challenge, I just need to remember to pace myself and try to not do it all in one day.

Based on the Chinese Astrological chart, I am a metal tiger. I am passing out the negative three year cycle and into a positive one. This couldn't come at a better time, and I am looking forward to all that it may bring. My wife Sue keeps me laughing and admonishes me when necessary. I take this on the chin and use it as a reminder that I need to keep good thoughts in my head and a cheerfulness in my heart. I love this woman.