Over the weekend, I went to an optical shop to get new lenses for my glasses. The cute girl behind the counter told us that my prescription was nearly expired, and so I found myself explaining once again that I had had a bad year last year, and I wanted to make sure I was going to be around a bit longer, before I went to the trouble to refill my prescription. After a short interaction about what had taken place, we moved on and completed the transaction.
It occurred to me afterward that because a year had passed, and I was not only still above ground, but thriving and improving as well,and finding it less and less necessary to explain my reasons for postponing certain actions, and the reasons for why I was doing so.
It’s not that I have forgotten what transpired, or felt that it was unimportant. On the contrary, I still feel it every day. I still have chemo drugs in my system and will continue to do so for at least a few more months, and I can still feel the scar where the doctor cut open my skull (the nerves have not repaired themselves yet, so it is still somewhat numb). I just find that I am trying to move past that episode in my life, and not make justification for my lack of doing certain things. I look plenty normal, and from my level of activity, no one would normally notice what I still feel inside. I mask it fairly well, and only those closest to me can tell when I’m having an off time. Sometimes not even then.
I’m finding it easier now to look forward, and plan for more than just a month ahead. I am still making careful decisions about the future, but am doing so with a bit more far-sightedness than I did even a few months ago. I’d like to see this continue. I have some milestones coming up, and would like to see them come and go with as little impact on my life as possible. There is plenty to do, and I have years of marriage and (hopefully!)grandkids to look forward to. There is a long list of places left to visit, and unfinished projects to complete, so the less I have to think and talk about my previous GBM, the better. I’d much rather talk about gardening or carburetors any day.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
A time for change
Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts. One year ago, on March 22, I was rushed into surgery to remove the Grade IV GBM, residing in the back of my brain. It hardly seems like it was a year ago. So much has happened since then. Aside from the follow-up treatments, which have sucked a fair portion of my energy away for the past year, I feel great. I haven’t returned to my former self, but I’ve changed in mind and body since then, so I don’t know that my inner self wants to be the person that I was.
I’m working out again regularly and I like that a lot. I’m surprised that I’m as strong as I am, and can do pretty much what I want to. My only problem now is, where do I want to go from here? The simple fact that I’m older and (let’s face it) slower than I used to be has me reevaluating what my new interests should be. I gave up Shinkendo because I didn’t know how soon I might come back to it. Now that I’m at that crossroads, I don’t have the interest in retraining to regain my former expertise. I’ll be, for the most part, competing with kids 1/3 to ½ my age. And although I don’t feel like that might stop me, I will never come back up to the level that will make me a valued contributor. The sport has not sat idle while I have been out, so I have a lot of new material to learn, while honing the old stuff. That a pretty steep climb to make just to satisfy some sort of undefined inner goal.
Besides, I have so many other things I’ve yet to try, I feel like it’s time for me to take pride in what I accomplished and find a new challenge. There are plenty of unexplored opportunities still waiting, so I’d better get busy.
I finished building Sue’s greenhouse, and she already has plenty of plants poking up through the ground. I hope all the tomatoes, squash, peppers, spinach, strawberries, and herbs turn out as well as they are starting. I’m anxious to award her with a farmer’s merit badge. She seems so excited about her efforts so far. We have flowers growing everywhere as well.
This year (although it's having a rocky start) seems to be in substantial contrast to the one we just had. I hope it continues to brighten up and improve as it continues through spring. The Year of the Pig could be a good one for us.
I’m working out again regularly and I like that a lot. I’m surprised that I’m as strong as I am, and can do pretty much what I want to. My only problem now is, where do I want to go from here? The simple fact that I’m older and (let’s face it) slower than I used to be has me reevaluating what my new interests should be. I gave up Shinkendo because I didn’t know how soon I might come back to it. Now that I’m at that crossroads, I don’t have the interest in retraining to regain my former expertise. I’ll be, for the most part, competing with kids 1/3 to ½ my age. And although I don’t feel like that might stop me, I will never come back up to the level that will make me a valued contributor. The sport has not sat idle while I have been out, so I have a lot of new material to learn, while honing the old stuff. That a pretty steep climb to make just to satisfy some sort of undefined inner goal.
Besides, I have so many other things I’ve yet to try, I feel like it’s time for me to take pride in what I accomplished and find a new challenge. There are plenty of unexplored opportunities still waiting, so I’d better get busy.
I finished building Sue’s greenhouse, and she already has plenty of plants poking up through the ground. I hope all the tomatoes, squash, peppers, spinach, strawberries, and herbs turn out as well as they are starting. I’m anxious to award her with a farmer’s merit badge. She seems so excited about her efforts so far. We have flowers growing everywhere as well.
This year (although it's having a rocky start) seems to be in substantial contrast to the one we just had. I hope it continues to brighten up and improve as it continues through spring. The Year of the Pig could be a good one for us.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Ready? Forward --- March
Here we are at the beginning of March, and I have to tell you that I lost my bet with Sue. Although I gave it a good effort (not my best), I could not get my waist down to a 32. I could get into some of my pants that were 32s, but it was a painful experience. The bet was in good fun, but she'll have that to remind me of until we can find something else to bet on.
We worked on Sue's vegetable garden this weekend, and finished getting it ready for planting. We finished off the construction of it and by lunchtime on Sunday, she was already poking seeds and a few plants in the ground. It'll be interesting how things go. The spinach we had already planted is doing very well and producing leaves four times larger than any I've seen in the store. If the tomatoes do as well (I've never raised tomatoes), we'll have them coming out the wazoo in about six weeks. So far, so good.
I try not to listen to politics, but sometimes it's almost impossible. It's in our faces every day, and no matter how hard we try to avoid it... there it is. So I'm going to have my brief say and from there, forget about it.
I have not been pleased with whe Iraq war and the deceitfulness that seems to be part of the normal mode of operation of giving us the facts as the government sees them. They point so many fingers back and forth, that you can 't even keep score anymore. John Kyle and John McCain were steadfast republican supporters of Bush and his war. McCain even said that we needed to send more troops than even Bush wanted to send. Kyle has basically disappeared from the landscape after the election. I supose he's in an undisclosed location keeping his head down.
I wrote letters to Kyle and McCain teling them that if they were going to continue to support Bush, I could no longer support them. A few days later, I heard reports that McCain was losing popularity, so I guess I wasn't the only one. A lot of Bush supporters like him are going to have to do a lot of backpeddeling and distancing, if they are to keep their own image in the popular view. However, I meant what I said about McCain. As far as I'm concerned, his run for the White House is just exercise.
Did you ever notice that before the last election, there was hardly ever the mention of the word "bipartisan"? Now that Bush is set back on his heels, it bipartisan this, and bipartisan that. I'll be glad when he's out of the media focal point and I don't have to look at his smug face anymore. He's giving self-righteous people a bad name.
I start session 10 of my chemo treatment on Monday. Two more to go after that. Wahoo! I've been doing that stuff for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. The working out has helped. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and I'm making progress improvements as I dive into the next change in my program. I'm surprised to find that the best I feel all day is when I'm working out and pushing my body to its limits. The worst I feel all day is when I'm sitting on my can. I do believe there's a message there somewhere. This is especially true as the weather gets nicer everyday, and being outside feels so good. Sitting on my patio and using my wireless connection somehow feels so right.
We worked on Sue's vegetable garden this weekend, and finished getting it ready for planting. We finished off the construction of it and by lunchtime on Sunday, she was already poking seeds and a few plants in the ground. It'll be interesting how things go. The spinach we had already planted is doing very well and producing leaves four times larger than any I've seen in the store. If the tomatoes do as well (I've never raised tomatoes), we'll have them coming out the wazoo in about six weeks. So far, so good.
I try not to listen to politics, but sometimes it's almost impossible. It's in our faces every day, and no matter how hard we try to avoid it... there it is. So I'm going to have my brief say and from there, forget about it.
I have not been pleased with whe Iraq war and the deceitfulness that seems to be part of the normal mode of operation of giving us the facts as the government sees them. They point so many fingers back and forth, that you can 't even keep score anymore. John Kyle and John McCain were steadfast republican supporters of Bush and his war. McCain even said that we needed to send more troops than even Bush wanted to send. Kyle has basically disappeared from the landscape after the election. I supose he's in an undisclosed location keeping his head down.
I wrote letters to Kyle and McCain teling them that if they were going to continue to support Bush, I could no longer support them. A few days later, I heard reports that McCain was losing popularity, so I guess I wasn't the only one. A lot of Bush supporters like him are going to have to do a lot of backpeddeling and distancing, if they are to keep their own image in the popular view. However, I meant what I said about McCain. As far as I'm concerned, his run for the White House is just exercise.
Did you ever notice that before the last election, there was hardly ever the mention of the word "bipartisan"? Now that Bush is set back on his heels, it bipartisan this, and bipartisan that. I'll be glad when he's out of the media focal point and I don't have to look at his smug face anymore. He's giving self-righteous people a bad name.
I start session 10 of my chemo treatment on Monday. Two more to go after that. Wahoo! I've been doing that stuff for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. The working out has helped. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and I'm making progress improvements as I dive into the next change in my program. I'm surprised to find that the best I feel all day is when I'm working out and pushing my body to its limits. The worst I feel all day is when I'm sitting on my can. I do believe there's a message there somewhere. This is especially true as the weather gets nicer everyday, and being outside feels so good. Sitting on my patio and using my wireless connection somehow feels so right.
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