Social support works both ways

Social support works both ways. The people around you can influence you. And you can influence them back. This is where the good type of “going it alone” comes in: leadership. While it may be easier to wait until your immediate social circle comes around to prioritizing healthy choices, it’s also incredibly empowering and inspiring to be a leader for change, despite the forces against you. And in doing so, you’ll build your own small wave of momentum that, little by little, erodes the friction you encounter. But here’s an important tip: You don’t reduce friction by pushing back. A powerful healthy-lifestyle pioneer… is a peaceful one. In order to step into that role, try this gentle, sometimes counterintuitive, action plan.

3 crucial strategies for getting friends and family to support your healthy lifestyle.

1). Accept that your perspective is just that; your perspective. Even if you mean well, even if you are absolutely, 100% correct (yes, smoking is bad; yes, vegetables are good, junk food is unhealthy), know that all behaviors and choices (of others) have a reason. You might not know the reasons; you might not quite understand the reasons or even agree with the reasons. But whatever habits your loved ones are practicing, they are doing them for a reason. They may have a different or limited toolbox coping skills.

Understanding dissolves conflict, and when we practice understanding, we start to ask questions to invite connection and support:

“Why are they so different from me?” becomes “When have I dealt with something similar?”
“How do I get them to stop the bad habit?” becomes “What problem is the bad habit trying to solve?”
“What is wrong with them?” becomes “What might they really need?”

2). Be persistent, not pushy. Resistance more often comes from fear than from true philosophical opposition. Change can feel really scary, and for some it’s scarier than for others. It can bring up issues of control, security, and identity, and it can also bring up painful emotions like anxiety, panic, shame, or loss. When our loved ones resist change (in all the creative ways they can come up with — consciously and unconsciously, kindly and unkindly), what they might actually be feeling underneath it all… is fear.

Their fear can be the result of thoughts like: What if you become a different person? What if I don’t like the taste of the new foods? What if your healthy habits make me confront my unhealthy habits? What if people don’t accept me/us? What if you judge me or don’t love me anymore? What if I can’t keep up with you? What if life gets uncomfortable? What if I lose you?

While you must press forward with the changes you’re trying to make for your own well-being, you’ll more likely get support if you practice persistence. Persistence means continuously offering opportunities for your friends and family to join you on your quest for a healthier life, and yet remains open to a wide range of responses to any given invitation.

So be persistent: Keep offering healthy dishes at the dinner table. Keep inviting your friends and family to join you on runs, hikes, and exercise classes. Keep having conversations about nutrition, healthy body image, and what it means to have a truly good, capable, healthy life. Perhaps, when their fear subsides and they realize it’s safe to dip their toe in the land of green smoothies and push-ups, your loved ones will join you, and you’ll ride off into the sunset (on your recumbent bikes, drinking coconut water) together.

3). Just “do you”. Change can be difficult. In order to overcome the many bumps, blocks, and blusters inherent to significant lifestyle change, we need to be anchored to a deep, internal, personalized “why” that will pull us through. You can’t manufacture this type of motivation for someone else. No matter how hard you try to coerce your kids, spouse, parents, and friends to change, they may have none of it.

They may recognize that in order to make the kinds of changes you’re making, they have to want it too. We call this “intrinsic motivation” — a connection to one’s own, internal reasons for doing something. Research shows that intrinsic motivation leads to change that’s longer-lasting and more self-sustaining than extrinsic motivation, which is based on the desire to obtain external outcomes such as good grades or the approval of others. Intrinsic motivation requires deep thought and reflection, and may take longer to develop, so respect that your loved ones may take time to connect to their own reasons for eating and moving better.

Meanwhile, just “do you”. Focus on your own intrinsic motivations. Stay connected to what’s driving you, deep inside, to make these personal changes. Without ignoring your natural love and concern for loved ones, let your attention turn inward. Spend more energy on your own growth and development, which could lead to something else amazing…

By working toward and achieving a healthier, happier, more confident and capable version of yourself, you become the inspiration, the positive influence to your family and friends. And it all comes full circle when that little healthy-lifestyle wave you started attracts other riders, builds, and then become a huge tidal of momentum to carry you to your final objective — a fit, healthy you — and keep you there.

Influence happens in both directions, remember? Lead the way.