A little advice on living

Sue and I were discussing the news about Ted Kennedy and his health situation. It reflects right back to my own. As we talked about it, she told me something I never knew before. The day of my brain tumor surgery back on March 22, 2006, she asked the surgeon how much time I might have left? He told her I might only have about six months. She was devastated, but kept this to her self until yesterday. I'm glad I never knew.

I decided at that time though to live my life and enjoy all of the time I could with my family. Two years plus later, I'm enjoying myself more than I ever did. I laugh and play more, and don't find myself worrying about tomorrow as much as I used to. 

While going through some old files on my computer, I found a file which sums up what I want to say better than I could do it myself. I don't remember where I got this, but if you should take anything away from reading this, a change in your view of life would be a pretty good start. So here it is. Enjoy.

+++++++++++++++++++++

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are. After that, we're frustrated that we have teenagers to deal with. We will certainly be happy when they are out of that stage. We tell ourselves that our life will be complete when our spouse gets his or her act together, when we get a nicer car, are able to go on a nice vacation, or when we retire. The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now.

If not now, when?
Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way, so, treasure every moment that You have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, enough to spend your time with...and remember that time waits for no one.

So, stop waiting
--until your car or home is paid off
--until you get a new car or home
--until your kids leave the house
--until you go back to school
--until you lose ten pounds
--until you gain ten pounds
--until you finish school
--until you get a divorce
--until you get married
--until you have kids
--until you retire
--until summer
--until spring
--until winter
--until fall
--until you die

There is no better time than right now to be happy. Happiness is a journey, not a destination. So-work like you don't need money, Love like you've never been hurt, And dance like no one's watching. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.
Take the time to live !!! 

Pictures of the past

I have had some old slides my mom had saved for quite a while. I told her I would look them over and give them back to her. Well, I had them way longer than I should have, and all the while they sat in their container while I did other things.

I finally decided to do something with them, so I fired up the scanner and gave them each a scan. I hadn't tried to scan slides before, but I'm glad I finally did. I'm a lot more encouraged to move on and do the slides of my own that have been sitting around for years waiting for me to do something with them too.

The slides my mom had dated from 1960, to about 1973 or so. It was quite a treat to see them. I had forgotten what a geek I was. Nevertheless, I scanned them all and will build a CD for each of my boys to take with them into the future. Hopefully when they have kids, they can take a few minutes to enjoy them too. 

The following picture is an example of what I discovered. I'm at the top, with my brother and sister beneath me. I would guess I'm about 12 or 13 years old or so. I shouldn't have waited so long to do this. So much water has passed under the bridge since then... and we were all cuter back then too.

I am my brother's keeper

I have taken a turn in my life that was both sudden and unexpected. I guess in the back of my mind I had a feeling that it would eventually come to pass.

As I've already stated in the past, my younger brother was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) which is complicated by frontal lobe dementia. His steady downgrading has become more apparent and I can really begin to see him losing the part that was my little brother.

He has not been able to eat normally, and subsequently has lost a lot of weight. A week ago he got an overdue addition of a feeding tube placed in him so he could take in nourishment. However, that has not gone well. He lives alone and it seems does not have what it takes to look after himself anymore.

A week ago I didn’t know anything about becoming a guardian for another person, but by mid week it was clear that this was exactly what I needed to do. Friday, I spent the majority of the day applying to be a guardian and conservator for my brother. I'm finding out that it’s a very involved process, and requires a number of court appearances to make it permanent. By order of the court, I also had to find an attorney to represent my brother. The whole process is involved and from the look of it, expensive.

For someone trying to do the right thing, and asking nothing in return, it is a stressful and thankless process. I do not know how other people do it.

Let’s see how it goes.

Update: In the end, I decided that this was not the thing to do. I withdrew all petitions placed before the court, before the first hearing date. By taking over my brother's decision making, I basically rob him of his individual civil rights. I will help him as much as I can, but I will not take his basic liberties away from him. As much as I can help it, he will retain these until the day he no longer is able. I love him too much to do anything else.

Bumper stickers for 2008

The temptation is too great, so I just have to share these.

1. Bush: End of an Error
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
3. Let's Fix Democracy in THIS Country First
4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant!
8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Clinton Anymore
11. America : One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief
15. No, Seriously, Why DID We Invade Iraq ?
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand basket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
25. Pray For Impeachment
26. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
27. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?
28. One Nation Under Clod
29. 2004: Embarrassed. 2005: Horrified. 2006: Terrified
30. Bush Never Exhaled
31. At Least Nixon Resigned

Asleep at the wheel

Once again, it’s been a while since I made an addition to my page. There’s no excuse really. I can account for a lot of things that have kept me busy… my son’s wedding, my racquetball games with him, the standard domestic engineering jobs around the house, editing our web site and getting it ready for a completely new pricing structure. I guess I can think of plenty more, but they don’t account for the time I wasted either. So here I am trying to rationalize why there in gaps in this. Ha!

I did cross over a very nice milestone though. On March 22, I celebrated the two year anniversary of my brain tumor surgery. The MRI I had at the beginning of the month still shows no sign of it, and this pleases me one heck of a lot. I don’t think of it much anymore, except when the time draws near for my next MRI, which has had the time lengthened between them to three months. I still get a little apprehensive as the time approaches for the next one, but as time marches on, this feeling has lessened.

I hate politics, but I find that I am being drawn into it nevertheless. The presidential election coming up, the war, the economy, and subjects surrounding health care have made me take a more firm stand on these things, and how they are driven by the politics in this country. That though is for another time, when I can be more objective.

My brother has been diagnosed with ALS and dementia, which is beginning to accelerate in its slow, but ever degenerative process. I know I’ve mentioned this in the past. Everyone in the family feels so helpless. It’s like standing on railroad tracks, with a train approaching. You are anchored in between the rails and you can do nothing to free yourself. You can hear the whistle blow, and you know it’s coming your way, but you don’t know how far down the tracks it is and how fast it’s coming, but you know that sometime in the future it will be here and run you over. All you can do is wait and watch for the inevitable end. It’s a tragic way to go, and even more painful to watch to someone you know and love, suffer through it, with no way to change the path they are on.

A quick note about fatigue

I find myself thinking and talking about my experience with my GBM less and less (and actually, I'm happy with that). However one thing is a constant reminder of my recent past. 

It's been about 8 months since my chemo ended, and although I feel pretty great most of the time, I'm still being nagged by fatigue. It continues to be a unwelcome companion, and although I do my best to counteract it. I find it still seems to be sticking with me. I looked up FATIGUE and this is a good general description.

Then I looked up POST CHEMO FATIGUE and this is a fair explanation. There is also an additional issue called CHEMO BRAIN. Although these are all reasonable descriptions for the problem, I'm not especially reassured, that for me, this will soon pass into history. I try to stay active, and at times I do particularly well. I play racquetball with my 22 year-old son twice a week, in what you might consider a very competitive activity. I do very well, but I find that I can't sustain for more than 90 minutes this like I used to. Other times, just simple tasks around our home wear me out. This is the most disturbing part. The highs and lows do not balance out. I weigh more, not less, than I should, and so far, my diet and exercise patterns have not had much of an impact. Making changes to suit my erratic energy level has made little difference.

I haven't given up by any means, but I have too many irons in the fire to be patient waiting for this fatigue to pass. Let's face it... none of us are getting any younger. (Laughing) Among other things, I still haven't learned to snowboard, and at 57, I don't think my timetable has much slack in it.

Turn signals and cell phones

I have a proposal that I think the car makers should take into consideration. We should eliminate turn signals and all of their associated electronics from our cars and trucks. 

Since the use of cell phones in cars has become epidemic, and in our zeal to get where we are going, and put common courtesy on the back burner, no one seems to use them anymore. By eliminating any trace of them from our vehicles, we will see a very nice decrease in the cost of vehicles, and we will no longer be required to remember to use them, because their function will be gone. We can just drive as we have been and leave others to guess what our intention are, just as we have been doing.

I'm sure my driving is a relatively brief part of my day, compared to many other people. Going to work and home takes a total of little more than maybe 40 minutes of each day. But in that time, I'm astounded at the continuing number of highway infractions I witness. In fact, I'm not surprised there aren't a great many more accidents than there are. Changing multiple lanes at a time are becoming common place... and have all the appearances of some sort of moving Tetris, often taking place at the last possible moment before the opportunity completely runs out. Most potential crashes I see are separated from happening by no more than about two seconds.

If the average alert and attentive driver has a reaction speed of around a half second, the margin for error leaves little time for indecision. 

I believe the idea originally behind turn signals is to show intent. That is, broadcast your intended move before you make it. However, what I routinely see is that, if used at all, they are used to indicate immediate action (with just one or two blinks). "I'm changing lanes NOW", leaving everyone else around them to scramble to avoid becoming an unwilling statistic. A great deal of the time though, they aren't used at all. People are using their phones, and can't be bothered with such trivialities. 

The other day as I was entering the freeway from work, I saw a guy driving, holding his PDA/cell phone in one hand (his driving hand), while he was holding a tablet (with the same hand), and making notes on it with the other hand. He was driving a couple MPH slower in the middle lane than the prevailing traffic, because he was already multi-tasked to the limit... and all this during evening traffic. He changed lanes twice in front of me, sort of oozing into his new lane, as opposed to changing lanes. There wasn't time for signaling or anything else, for that matter. And during my short observation of this spectacle, people were changing lanes on either side of him, and setting up a potential situation (none of them really signaling either).

I decided my best course at that moment, was to put as much space between him and I as possible, so I exited the freeway and took a more leisurely and enjoyable route home. 

Whether they are using their cars as their mobile office, or just being bubble-headed and clueless, cell phones and turn signals don't mix well. Since we are less likely to get rid of our addiction to cell phones, eliminating turn signals would be the next logical choice. I could use a cheaper car anyway, or possibly an old military 6x6. 

Most car manufacturers promote high crash ratings these days. I wonder why? 

Happy 2008

Before I get into it, Happy New Year.
I see a lot of changes coming. I hope positive ones are among the best ones I’ll remember at this year’s end.

I have to tell you, I’ve been feeling a little mortal and out of sorts lately. Don’t get me wrong, I feel fine, but the climate around me seems… well, less than optimum.

My brother is about three years younger than me. He was diagnosed with ALS and has the dementia that often accompanies it. From what I can estimate, it started becoming noticeable about a year ago, but it’s slow steady progress made it difficult to recognize, since I don’t see him that much. Now, it’s full-blown and causing a lot of anxiety in the family. What’s made it worse is that he has an 11 year-old daughter. I don’t know if she fully grasps what going on with her dad, but she has to feel a little powerless right now. We all do. His speech is so bad I can barely understand him when he talks. All we can do is watch and wait. It’s incredibly painful to see such a strong personality waste away before your eyes. Memories and experiences withering like a dying oak tree. There is so much about this that I don’t understand.

The political and geo-political situations leave me at a loss for words. I’m not very happy with either of them, but I can do little but watch and try to stay abreast of them both. Hiding your head in the sand accomplishes nothing, but that’s what I feel like doing.

The whole presidential candidate thing leaves me at a loss for words. We haven’t had “the right person for the job” in a very long time, and I can tell right now, it’s going to come down to voting against the person I really don’t want instead of for the person I do want.

The rest of the world seems to be tearing itself apart a little at a time. There seems to be so much hatred. People are not looking for solutions. They just want to promote violence for its own sake. There is no talk that will appease them or bring them to a point of discussion. They just look to the next act of violence or adversity as their pointless goal. Our answer to this is escalation and confrontation, with helpless victims caught in the crossfire. So many innocent lives lost.

The weather has cooled off considerably, and you’d think it would inspire me to get busier and do some of the things I’ve been putting off, but it seems to have had the opposite effect. I find I read more, and get quiet and introspective when the time permits, but my honey-do list seems to be suffering as a result. I scold myself for dragging my feet, but it seems to have had little impact.

My only escape from all of this is my twice-weekly game of racquetball with my youngest son, Aaron. It is the one time during the week when I feel free of the everyday bonds, and can pour myself into something that demands my full attention. We both enjoy the time immensely, and if forces me to forget about everything, if for just a short while. It’s a nice friendly game of “try to destroy the other person.” We always have a few laughs, and walk away with a feeling of accomplishment.

I’d like to fire myself up about other things, as much as I do our racquetball game. I guess I need to stop paying attention to the disagreeable things going on around me. There are a lot of good things going on. Maybe it’s time I start finding and enjoying them. Nobody likes a wet blanket.

Dogs don't bite

A friend of mine and I were in a conversation recently, and as part of this, she recommended a book to me called "Dogs Don't Bite When a Growl Will Do", by Matt Weinstein and Luke Barber. It was published by Perigee books in 2003/2004. After a little investigation, I decided to pick up a copy and I'm glad I did. As it says on the cover, it's about what your dog can teach you about living a happy life.

Now I don't own a dog, but I'm always interested in ways to give me a new outlook on life. I'm maybe two-thirds of the way through it, as of today, but I have to say that I find this book a great companion. It's a lighthearted book full of wit and wisdom, life observations, and philosophic quotes and references. I am enjoying it thoroughly. In fact, I have purchased a copy for each of my boys. They each need to read this for different reasons, but I hope they come away from it with a slightly altered view on how to look at their life and new ways to enjoy it.

We can choose to be miserable, and make those around us miserable. Or we can choose to be happy... but it is a choice. I need to read more books like this.

Is the second amendment obsolete?

I am disturbed and dumbfounded by the shootings that have taken place over the past month. The frequency seems to be increasing, and we seem to be becoming desensitized to these events unless they become more and more horrific.

The issue of the second amendment always comes up, and it is an emotional and polarizing subject. However, I think it is becoming more and more important to address this with a rational mind and decide whether we should consider redefining what this amendment means and how it should be adjusted from a 1791 world to a 2007 world.

I can't tell you what ways this should be done. I used to be a gun owner, but I have chosen to step away from this world. Do the research yourself. There are plenty of second amendment web pages to keep you reading for months, but read them, watch the news, and judge for yourself if it is still being used as it was intended, or just another antediluvian provision.

Here's a couple of links to get you started on your quest. The first was written in September of 1999, and the second was written in December of 2007. Think it over.

My blog in review

I recently took a look at my blog and reread most of them. I found that my opinions and attitudes covered a range of emotions, and although a significant amount of time has passed since I began this, much of what I wrote still (for the most part) reflects my feelings about most subjects. It's interesting to read these from start to finish, like a book. Not always stimulating reading though. Sometimes I don't know what I was thinking.

In the beginning (2004), I put out 47 posts. Not bad really. It was fresh and I wanted to say a lot. We were living in Korea at the time, so I suppose it helped to fill in the empty periods. Looking back, I don't know when that was. I enjoyed my time there immensely, and always look forward to going back whenever we can.

I don't know what happened in 2005. I only made 3 entries. We moved back to the USA in January that year, and I suppose we were preoccupied with getting our life restarted here. I spent most of my time in these blog posts apologizing for not making more entries. I rediscovered that life in the USA is a heck of a lot more complicated than in Korea. I guess it was nice to be busier... sort of. Certainly Shinkendo was a major part of 2005. I profoundly miss those days.

I picked up speed in 2006 with 13 entries, but not much. Of course this was the year when cancer hit the fan. I became sort of hyper-focused on this, but I suppose life occurrences like this have a way of smacking you right between the eyes. I had to give up some things in my new post-cancer life, and for this I feel a great loss. This was also the year I got religion (so to speak, but not really "religion") and did a double take on what was important in my life. My internal pointer got a badly needed recalibration, and I started enjoying the things I'm supposed to. Of course this doesn't mean I'm any less opinionated, just more recentered and introspective.

2007 saw 23 posts. 24 with this one. Although I'm doing my best to put my brain tumor surgery behind me and look forward, I know now that it will always be with me in some fashion, and will never be a distant memory. I'm no Lance Armstrong, but I admire what he is trying to do for the fight against cancer. As I have been made aware of this side of life, I'm learning that there are a lot more people with some form of disease or condition than I ever imagined. I don't know how I missed this before, but I can certainly see them now, and it's disconcerting. This was a year of measurable highs and lows, but a good one nonetheless.

I probably won't go back and look over my blog again, but I'm glad I did it. For all I know, my writings and various ramblings may far outlive me. I don't know if that's a good thing, but at least I know that some of my rambling thoughts will be preserved for some unknown person to trip over. Maybe it might even make a positive impression. I can only hope so.

Too much time on my hands

This is short and sweet, but I've been messing around and have created a little movie for your entertainment. I hope you enjoy it.

Taking a well deserved brain-break

Although it’s been a while since I’ve added anything to this page, it doesn’t mean that I’ve been idle. Let me catch you up.

Back in the first of August I had an MRI, which was good, and on October 3, I had another MRI, which was also fine. I commented to my doctor that even though I’ve been off of the chemo since May, and for that matter everything else as well, things have continued to look great. We are both encouraged by this fact. The longer I go with no problems, the better things look that we have beaten this thing. Although I can’t relax for a while, I listen to stories from people like Lance Armstrong and others, and hope that my success can be added to theirs, of people that have looked death in the face and survived. My doctor also made it clear that my situation is extremely rare, and I have multiple options for future treatment that others in my situation don’t have. How lucky can one guy get? Not much I think.

During the last couple of months I have gone through some sort of cold or flu malady. This was really a major pain. Throughout the last year and a half, while going though all the chemo and having my condition and resistance in a less than optimum condition, I never once got sick. Now that I’ve been off that stuff for a while, I seem to be more susceptible. How weird is that?

About a month and a half ago I picked up some sort of bug, missed a few days of work, and felt funky for about a week with it. What followed though, was another month of feeling less than normal. My upper respiratory system was aching most of the time, I had a lot of sinus headaches, the lump of crap in the back of my throat never seemed to go away, and my energy level was continuously in the pits. I felt worse than when I was on the chemo, and it dragged on and on. I was beginning to feel like I was never going to feel normal again. I continued to try to work out and play racquetball (my son Aaron kicks my butt no matter what anyway), but the extra activity taxed my system, and I usually paid for it later.

The only consolation was that I wasn’t alone. All around me at work, you could hear the same sort of coughing, hacking, and sneezing I had been going through. Most of the time, they sounded even worse than I did. Some of the people around me got it before I did, and were still struggling with it even after I was more or less back to normal. My workmate, who sits in the next cube from me, got the same thing. He was out of work for an entire week, and spent the next month or more sounding worse than I ever did. Some people are still struggling with whatever it is, and it’s been at least three months or more since this whole cycle of sickness started. Actually, by the time my part was over with, I felt like I had done better than most, but one thing began to become clear, it was the environment we were working in that was the culprit for all of our combined misery.

I had read somewhere that some working environments were responsible for perpetuating health problems, but it hasn’t been until lately that realized that we were spending most of our working day in one of them. We spend more of the working day breathing the same air, in cloth walled and carpeted cubicles that were probably a breeding ground for dust and bacteria. We were all adding to it by showing up to work partially sick and spreading our germs into the air, but all of this woven material was soaking it up and keeping it there for us to rebreathe every day thereafter. I looked forward to getting out of the building at lunch, just to get a little fresh air. A lot other people feel the same way, but we are just one time voice in a large corporate machine, so our opinions count for little, and no one listens anyway.

I’m taking vacation now with Sue. This is the first real vacation we’ve taken since we moved back to the USA from Korea, back in January of 2005… and it feels fantastic. It’s funny though… here we are back in Seoul and loving every minute of it.

It is particularly liberating for me. Could feel the stress melt away the moment I got on the plane. Singapore Airline was always my favorite, but they have even gone up a couple notches from there. They have upgraded their planes and service since I last flew with them, so it is even nicer than before, and the twelve-hour plus flight was as nice as it could possibly could be. Flying first class would be the only improvement I could make, but coach now with Singapore Air is the best I’ve experienced.

Here in Korea, I am as relaxed as a body can be. I have no cell phone, no watch, no worries, no money (Sue has that), no timetable, and no interest in changing the status on my busy (NOT) schedule. This is a true vacation, and a total brain-break. The only way it would improve is if I had no reason to go back. Of course that’s not going to happen, so I’m taking full advantage of the current situation.

I hope you’ll excuse the length of this. I’m just feeling… well, relaxed.

A new spot on the map

While I was chatting with my doctor the other day, the subject of food came up. Knowing that Sue is Korean, she asked me if I knew of a good Korean restaurant. I said, "Well, no. The only Korean food I've found worth my time is at my house."

She laughed and said she likes kimchi, but didn't know of any place in the valley I could recommend. I guess she felt that I'm the resident expert. I'm not, but after having lived in Korea for a while, my taste buds have matured a bit. Sort of like trying to find REAL Mexican food in Arizona as well. It's very hard. In the USA, we've managed to Americanize ethnic food from every corner of the globe to our own taste, and causing it to lose virtually all of the stuff that made it great ethnic food. There are exceptions, but you have to do a lot of searching and experimentation before finding a shining star... if there is one.

Anyway, the same day that my doctor and I had our conversation, I was driving home from work on a different route, because my car was running on fumes. On my way to get gas, I passed a restaurant that I never saw there before. It's called the Manna Cafe. It was clearly Korean, because there was Hangul right on their sign.

On Saturday, Sue and I went there, because I had to check this place out. Well, I can say now that it was worth the effort. I had their mushroom tofu soup, and Sue had a humongous bowl of noodles. The side dishes were a tasty addition as well. They were all of what I remembered from my time in Korea, but I think I'm going to have to go back a few more times to check out more items on the menu to be sure. I'm just glad it's only a few miles from work, making it a short drive for some great Korean food.

You learn something new every day

I haven't talked much lately about my progress or status of Glioblastoma Multiforme (brain tumor) they removed from my head last year, and as time goes on, I suppose I'll be talking even less, but today I had my latest MRI. The results showed no change, which is great. That means that as far as anyone can see (and it's been about 18 months or so since this whole thing began, and two months since the termination of any treatment) there has been no growth or detectable difference in my status. Of course this is fantastic news, and my doctors couldn't be more pleased.

But I learned something today. The MRI tech, Karl (big guy, nice as they come), had a few minutes before his next appointment, so we talked about a few things... drag racing, kids, and the MRI system. They do the MRI with and without contrast, to get a better look at what's going on. To give added contrast to the image, they inject a fluid with has magnetic properties. I never knew what it was, but Karl told me the stuff is called Gadolinium... Number 64 on the Periodic Table. Being the curious techie sort that I am, I looked it up. I recommend that you do the same, but in short, here's what I learned.

Gadolinium is used in nuclear marine propulsion systems as a burnable poison. The gadolinium slows the initial reaction rate, but as it decays other neutron poisons accumulate, allowing for long-running cores. Gadolinium is also used as a secondary, emergency shut-down measure in some nuclear reactors, particularly of the CANDU type. The CANDU reactor is a pressurized heavy water reactor developed initially in the late 1950s and 1960s.

Gadolinium also possesses unusual metallurgic properties, with as little as 1% of gadolinium improving the workability and resistance of iron, chromium and related alloys to high temperatures and oxidation.

Because of their paramagnetic properties, solutions of organic gadolinium complexes and gadolinium compounds are used as intravenous radiocontrast agents to enhance images in medical magnetic resonance imaging. Magnevist is the most widespread example.

Besides MRI, gadolinium (Gd) is also used in other imaging. In X-ray, gadolinium is contained in the phosphor layer suspending in a polymer matrix at the detector. Terbium-doped gadolinium oxysulfide (Gd2O2S: Tb) at the phosphor layer is to convert the X-rays releasing from the source into light. Gd can emit at 540nm (green light spectrum = 520 – 570nm), which is very useful for enhancing the imaging quality of the X-ray that are exposed to the photographic film.

A "nm" is nanometer for those of you who were wondering. A nanometer is a unit of spatial measurement that is 10-9 meter, or one billionth of a meter. It is commonly used in nanotechnology, the building of extremely small machines.

Anyway, beside Gd's spectrum range, the compound also has a K-edge at 50 kiloelectron volt (keV), which means its absorption of X-ray through photoelectric interactions is great. The energy conversion of Gd is up to 20%, which means, one-fifth of the X-ray striking on the phosphor layer can be converted into light photons.

I found it interesting anyway, but then I've got the stuff floating around in my system for a while. This accounts for my magnetic personality, er uh, well maybe.

Music worth your time

I'm a huge fan of internet radio for three main reasons...

1. I hate the chat and other things from DJ's, etc.
2. I don't like the break-up of songs (not playing the whole thing, interrupting the stream of consciousness [mood] for things like commercials, etc.
3. Primarily though, because I can hear great music not played on standard radio stations.... Little known artists, other tracks on albums often ignored, and music from other countries and cultures not available elsewhere.

There are plenty of secondary reasons, but these cover the main points.

I can listen wherever I have an internet connection, and since I've gone wireless in our home, I've connected a computer to our stereo, so we can play it all day long, with no interruptions... just great music. And because they post the information on the music they play, I can get the name of the tunes and artists I like and buy the CDs for my own collection.

My taste in music is about as broad as it gets (sorry though... not much country, and no rap or hip hop). I like to experiment listening to other culture's music, because you'll never know what might hit you just the right way. However I am an old time rock & roller at heart. At work though, and at home too, I find my taste is a little toned down. I want to relax and give my mind a break from the stress of the day.

Some radio stations also transmit on the internet, but I only listen to the ones with no talk and no commercials.

Some of my favorites are:

KCDX - Rock & Roll

Sky.fm - Where you can find a large assortment of music. I like their New Age channel.

Digitally Imported - Lots more of the same.

While listening, I found a fantastic husband and wife group called Laliya. They are in Perth, Australia and have a sound that I find relaxing and at the same time painting pictures in my mind and taking me places I've never been before. If you're curious enough to check them out, go to MySpace and give them a listen. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

There is no God

I was raised Catholic. As a youth I attended church, served the church as a alter boy, and felt that what I was doing was right and had purpose. As I got older and began to analyze my thinking more closely I could see there were flaws in my faith. I watched as people around me (very intelligent people) rationalized the things they had no control over (or placed accountability) on something they could not see, feel, or even prove the existence of.

As science and technology has advanced and we have learned much more beyond applying existing knowledge to something, or even applying blind faith to some occurance, it has become ever more apparent that there is no God. There is only us, and what we do with our time while we are here on earth.

I do not argue the point well, so I do not get into discussions on religeon, but I found a few sites that substantiate what I know in my own mind to be true.

Proof that there is no God by Fredrik Bendz, There is No God by Penn Jillette, and There is No God (And You Know It) by Sam Harris

These sites express my sentiments, and validate by own belief that we are here for the time we are here... and no more.

And now for something completely different

On Monday, June 11, I learned a new word...

in·nu·en·do
Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-yoo-en-doh]
–noun, plural -dos, -does.
1. an indirect intimation about a person or thing, esp. of a disparaging or a derogatory nature.
2. Law.
a. a parenthetic explanation or specification in a pleading.
b. (in an action for slander or libel) the explanation and elucidation of the words alleged to be defamatory.
c. the word or expression thus explained.

New definitions based on experience:
3. An Italian suppository.
4. A colonoscopy.

Ok, seriously now... I had my first colonoscopy on Monday. And while there are a lot of jokes and laughs that come out of the preparation part, it's a serious and simple procedure that I now feel that every person should have done, when the time is right.

Other than having to take a day off work, it's virtually painless and easy to do. I had a certain amout of trepidation about the whole thing, but most of that was from ignorance. However, I knew that it was important that I do this, so I did. When it was all over, I thought to myself, "What's the big deal? That was a piece of cake."

Normally if they don't find anything, you can expect to go back in about ten years for a follow-up. In my case, they removed a couple of polyps, so I need to go back in three years, instead. If you're wondering what polyps are, check out this site...
Colon Polyps
This covers the subject well, and should answer any questions.

If you're at risk (which I am not), then it's all the more important to talk to your doctor about having one done. Don't wait and don't put it off.

Now that it's all over, I want to recommend to any of you that are getting ready to have the procedure, or are putting it off for one reason or another... get it done. It can save your life, or at the very least, give you some piece of mind.

Besides, everyone can use an extra day off work.

June 07 is finally here

It‘s been a while since I’ve had time to sit down and write something, although it’s been near the top of my list for the past couple of weeks.
I’ve been enjoying my freedom from chemo treatments, and although it’ll be a little while longer before it’s out of my system, I can already begin to notice the difference. What I have to do now is make an effort to use that energy to get some things done. After spending the last year and a half in energy saving mode, getting my butt moving is not always easy. I’m about 25 lbs. heavier now, so that is the first thing that has to be addressed. I’ve increased my workouts a little, but that takes breaking habits I’ve accumulated. Bad Tink!

Sue’s garden is producing well, and although it’s our first attempt at doing this, we’re both happy with the result. At least I’ve shown myself I don’t always kill every plant I try to grow. Some of them have proven to be quite tasty. Allowing something to ripen on the vine is, of course, vastly superior to buying something picked prematurely and displayed in the grocery store.

Sue’s sister and husband are coming for a visit from Korea at the end of the month and I will be glad to see them again. I can’t speak Korean, but we seem to enjoy each other’s company all the same. Sue is kept busy at translating, but she doesn’t seem to mind doing it. I’m sure I bug her a lot about what I’m missing, but she smiles and puts up with all my questions.

We had an even bigger surprise within the past couple of weeks. Sue’s sister managed to find Sue’s kids in Seoul after 15 years of not having contact. I’ll talk more about this in the future, but I had always wished that she would be able to reestablish contact with them. When she came to America, and time wore on, I had all but given up hope.
Finding them is fantastic news. They haven’t actually spoken or emailed each other yet, but that will all happen very soon. The next few weeks are going to get really interesting.

A May to remember

May has been a great month in a number of ways, but the best two both relate to health.

Number one… I took my last series of chemo at the beginning of May. I can’t believe it’s finally over… well, yes I can. It’s been a long time coming, and while I was taking the stuff, I didn’t think this time would ever come. It’ll take a couple of months to clear it from my system, but it’s been about two and a half weeks since the last dose, and I already feel so much better. My weight workouts are already getting stronger, and my racquetball games against my son are returning to the pre-chemo days (last night we played for an hour and got one and a half games in). I’ve packed on an extra 25 lbs. since this whole adventure started, so this has GOT to be the first thing to go.

Number two… I had an MRI yesterday, and it came through looking like every other one I’ve had since the surgery. Clear with no sign of anything going on. This is fantastic news! I looked at the scans with my doctor, and if there weren’t a date visible on the scan you wouldn’t be able to tell one scan from another.

We are stretching out my visits now, so it won’t be such a regular thing anymore. I have also started making plans with dates out there a ways. I’ve lived my life in two-month increments for the past year and a half, so it feels terrific to be able to look ahead and see a little further down the road. I'm already beginning to view this whole experience as just a side trip with some valuable lessons included. Now I can get back on the main highway and enjoy the scenery again.

The last year and a half was tough on my Sue. She didn’t sign on to our journey together to have her mettle put to the test like this. However, she has stuck in there and been with me fighting this every step of the way. I’m sure there were a lot of times when the worry and stress were not easy to overcome, but she never let me see that side of her. She has always been one of the bravest and most resolute people I’ve known. Now it’s time for me to return some of that energy to her. I can never give her back all that she has given, but I’m sure as hell going to try.

Bend over and grab your wallet... update

I went to the Sams Club web site and placed my sentiments on a message to their Customer Service department.
Imagine my surprise when I received this message back from them a little while ago...

Dear Online Customer,
Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding your Sam's Club® account, and the opportunity to be of service to you.
In the interest of customer service and goodwill, we are crediting your account for late charges assessed in the amount of $20.00. This credit will appear on your next billing statement.

I guess it sometimes does pay to be a cranky old curmudgeon. Don't be afraid to speak up for what you think is right. Once in a while it does pay off.

Bend over and grab your wallet

I have Sams Club ID card (they are part of the Walmart group). I never used it for charges before, although I could have. Recently, I allowed my son to use it to charge his gas, and this has worked out fine. He paid the bill on time and there was never a problem.

The April billing cycle was $60.65. He paid it, but it was due on April 1, so by the time it was credited to the account (April 3), it was two days late. Not a big deal, so I expected to get hit with a finance charge for a couple days. Imagine my surprise when the next bill came with a late charge of $20. I couldn't believe it. $20 for being two days late. Now they can charge whatever they want, but this amounts to a 33% penalty fee (or basically $10 a day). Outrageous wouldn't you say?

I called them to discuss the issue, but of course I got some customer service girl, who couldn't do anything except say she wasn't authorized to make adjustments. Whoopee! I told her I would pay the fee, but this would be the last time I ever use their card for charges again. She gave me the impression like she could care less.

I find it incredible that they can assess fees to their customers as they please, and then put up barriers for disputing the charges such that all you can do is just give up and pay the fee, because fighting anything like this is a major time expense, and probably resulting in no resolution, because you can never reach anyone that can actually do anything.

I have never liked Walmart, so I'll still avoid the place, but now I find that Sams Club has joined the list of businesses that takes advantage of the small print (which is nebulous on the back of their statements on their fees and charges) and has perpetuated the definition of "Customer Service" as an oxymoron. Aargghhh!

The Last Picture Show

Well, if you can't tell, let me say that I'm pretty excited. April 30 is when I begin my last 5 day chemo treatment, and I couldn't be more pleased. It's been 13 months since this whole GBM thing entered my life, and I'm glad to see this chapter pass into history. It'll be another month before I begin to see the effects of the chemo finally leave, and I'll know what it feels to be normal again. I've been working out, bike riding, and playing racquetball, but I always seem to be doing it at some reduced level. I hope I can finally get back to the business of pushing my limits the way I did before this all started. I still have some weight to lose and redistribute, and once I do, maybe some other things will fall into place. I'm anxious to get back to the business of being just plain old me. Let's get to it. I'm ready!

Pandora's box

I’m in shock by what I have been reading lately about the latest shootings going on in this country. It’s really no surprise that we continue to allow this to happen, but it’s horribly tragic nonetheless. What’s the most lamentable about this situation is that we bring it on ourselves by doing nothing substantial to control it. This troubles me greatly.

Every time something like this happens, it only accentuates a problem that we have created and are in denial about. It may not be as hyped by the media, depending on the news worthy value, but it happens to some degree every day in nearly every city in this country, large or small. Drive by shootings, murders, robberies, and assorted accidental deaths all seem to involve a gun type of weapon with unbelievable regularity.

Our illustrious politicians, for all their rhetoric and expressions of commendation and desire to do something, really end up doing nothing except doing whatever they need to do to assure their own survival as a politician. They are held hostage by one of the largest and well-organized lobbies in the USA. I’m talking about the NRA. I believe the NRA serves a good purpose, but its lobbyists do not. They regularly find ways to block important and necessary legislation, that our (seemingly) spineless politicians will not push through, for fear of upsetting the NRA, or creating a row with their NRA loving constituents.

The common sentiment is something like, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” They are correct in this simple statement, but solving the solving the problem of needless deaths is going to require a complicated and radical solution.

I view a simple mathematical formula to state the situation like this:
Hu + Gn + Lc + X = Dt
Hu = a person
Gn = a gun
Lc = Legislation and control
X(y) = the unknown factor (I‘ll explain in a moment)
Dt = dead things (other humans, animals, etc.)

The math is really simple when you think about it. To control one side of the equation, you must balance out the equation by modifying the other side. To have fewer dead things, you must reduce something on the other side of the equation. As the population increases (Hu), doing nothing to other factors increases Dt.

The X(y) element included above are things we have no control over. Education, love of the sport, responsibility for our own actions, complying with existing laws, racial bigotry, religious radicalism, mental stability, narcissist ideals, criminal predilection, are just a sample of the unpredictable factors. Try as we might, we will never get a handle on these. "Need" does not calculate. With everything else in proper stability, need should not be a factor. That’s why we have law enforcement (however, see factors of X(y) for extenuating factors).

I am not against the ownership of guns. I have owned several. I also feel that guns for hunting for food is one thing. Gun ownership for any other reason is a questionable activity for anyone other than sport or the historical collector. Handguns are only made for one purpose, period.

The 2nd amendment was created at a time in this country’s history when we needed it. It doesn’t carry the same meaning as it did when it was first written, and is subject to every interpretation possible that will justify any given purpose. It’s a Pandora’s box we can never close again.

I’m no more a fan of increased legislation than I am of the NRA lobbyists, but politicians will have to grow some and create a workable and sustainable foundation to enable us to live free of the existing situation, but allow each of us to keep our individual freedoms.

I need a new plan... or two!

It's been almost three weeks since my last notes. Dispiriting. I actually haven't been that busy, but time certainly gets away from you when you have lots of little things happening in a short time. Just like everyone else, you pack in as much as possible during the day, and when it's time to hit the sack, you feel like you didn't make a dent in anything. On the contrary, you feel like you are more behind now than when you first woke up that day. We each have our daily delemmas to deal with, so I don't even feel unique with mine.

Block out the best part during the week for the ever present work-a-day type job, and there isn't much time left in the evening to make up for what there is left to do. Sue and I are working hard at making out greenhouse prosper and produce something worthwhile one of these days. We give it some daily attention to make sure it's still doing it's thing and not getting anything it shouldn't. Sue is also growing lots of flowers in both the front and back yard, so we also was to monitor these. Then it's onto dinner, dishes, blah, blah, blah.

Three nights are also relegated to working out with my son, Aaron. Twice a week, it's bowflex time after he gets off work. The other evening is reserved for racquetball; an evening I know we both look forward to. It doesn't matter what kind of day either of us has had, two minutes after we start playing, it's all cancelled out by the need to stay focused on the game and not let the other clean your clock on the court. It's the most physical either of us gets during the week, and we both love it.

In spite of this, I don't seem to be making any progress in my quest to get back to my old physical condition. I definitly need a new plan for this. I put out a few inquiries on the Men's Health, but disappointingly, those inquiries have provided zero help. Men's Health seems to be focused primarily on arketing to those younger than myself, and efforts to solicit real help has only produced a few personal opinions, and nothing more. For someone sincere in their search for help, this is not the place to go. The thing that annoys me the most these days is anything that wastes my personal time.

Regardless, I still want to lose the gained excess, regain my lost conditioning, and even strengthen myself better than before. I know it's possible. The will is there, I just need a plan I can work at and stick with. I have a piece of Windows software I'm adapting to my Mac. I hope this provides some additional insight.

I just finished my 11th series of chemo, with one left to go, so I know I'm still a couple months away from feeling normal. But I'm not going to wait. I've waited long enough. Sue and I got ourselves a tandem bike and will start using this as much as time allows. I also have been trying to working a little jogging into my schedule, but trying to fit more stuff into the week isn't easy. I just need to get busy.

Of gardening and carburetors

Over the weekend, I went to an optical shop to get new lenses for my glasses. The cute girl behind the counter told us that my prescription was nearly expired, and so I found myself explaining once again that I had had a bad year last year, and I wanted to make sure I was going to be around a bit longer, before I went to the trouble to refill my prescription. After a short interaction about what had taken place, we moved on and completed the transaction.

It occurred to me afterward that because a year had passed, and I was not only still above ground, but thriving and improving as well,and finding it less and less necessary to explain my reasons for postponing certain actions, and the reasons for why I was doing so.

It’s not that I have forgotten what transpired, or felt that it was unimportant. On the contrary, I still feel it every day. I still have chemo drugs in my system and will continue to do so for at least a few more months, and I can still feel the scar where the doctor cut open my skull (the nerves have not repaired themselves yet, so it is still somewhat numb). I just find that I am trying to move past that episode in my life, and not make justification for my lack of doing certain things. I look plenty normal, and from my level of activity, no one would normally notice what I still feel inside. I mask it fairly well, and only those closest to me can tell when I’m having an off time. Sometimes not even then.

I’m finding it easier now to look forward, and plan for more than just a month ahead. I am still making careful decisions about the future, but am doing so with a bit more far-sightedness than I did even a few months ago. I’d like to see this continue. I have some milestones coming up, and would like to see them come and go with as little impact on my life as possible. There is plenty to do, and I have years of marriage and (hopefully!)grandkids to look forward to. There is a long list of places left to visit, and unfinished projects to complete, so the less I have to think and talk about my previous GBM, the better. I’d much rather talk about gardening or carburetors any day.

A time for change

Yesterday was an anniversary of sorts. One year ago, on March 22, I was rushed into surgery to remove the Grade IV GBM, residing in the back of my brain. It hardly seems like it was a year ago. So much has happened since then. Aside from the follow-up treatments, which have sucked a fair portion of my energy away for the past year, I feel great. I haven’t returned to my former self, but I’ve changed in mind and body since then, so I don’t know that my inner self wants to be the person that I was.

I’m working out again regularly and I like that a lot. I’m surprised that I’m as strong as I am, and can do pretty much what I want to. My only problem now is, where do I want to go from here? The simple fact that I’m older and (let’s face it) slower than I used to be has me reevaluating what my new interests should be. I gave up Shinkendo because I didn’t know how soon I might come back to it. Now that I’m at that crossroads, I don’t have the interest in retraining to regain my former expertise. I’ll be, for the most part, competing with kids 1/3 to ½ my age. And although I don’t feel like that might stop me, I will never come back up to the level that will make me a valued contributor. The sport has not sat idle while I have been out, so I have a lot of new material to learn, while honing the old stuff. That a pretty steep climb to make just to satisfy some sort of undefined inner goal.

Besides, I have so many other things I’ve yet to try, I feel like it’s time for me to take pride in what I accomplished and find a new challenge. There are plenty of unexplored opportunities still waiting, so I’d better get busy.

I finished building Sue’s greenhouse, and she already has plenty of plants poking up through the ground. I hope all the tomatoes, squash, peppers, spinach, strawberries, and herbs turn out as well as they are starting. I’m anxious to award her with a farmer’s merit badge. She seems so excited about her efforts so far. We have flowers growing everywhere as well.

This year (although it's having a rocky start) seems to be in substantial contrast to the one we just had. I hope it continues to brighten up and improve as it continues through spring. The Year of the Pig could be a good one for us.

Ready? Forward --- March

Here we are at the beginning of March, and I have to tell you that I lost my bet with Sue. Although I gave it a good effort (not my best), I could not get my waist down to a 32. I could get into some of my pants that were 32s, but it was a painful experience. The bet was in good fun, but she'll have that to remind me of until we can find something else to bet on.

We worked on Sue's vegetable garden this weekend, and finished getting it ready for planting. We finished off the construction of it and by lunchtime on Sunday, she was already poking seeds and a few plants in the ground. It'll be interesting how things go. The spinach we had already planted is doing very well and producing leaves four times larger than any I've seen in the store. If the tomatoes do as well (I've never raised tomatoes), we'll have them coming out the wazoo in about six weeks. So far, so good.

I try not to listen to politics, but sometimes it's almost impossible. It's in our faces every day, and no matter how hard we try to avoid it... there it is. So I'm going to have my brief say and from there, forget about it.

I have not been pleased with whe Iraq war and the deceitfulness that seems to be part of the normal mode of operation of giving us the facts as the government sees them. They point so many fingers back and forth, that you can 't even keep score anymore. John Kyle and John McCain were steadfast republican supporters of Bush and his war. McCain even said that we needed to send more troops than even Bush wanted to send. Kyle has basically disappeared from the landscape after the election. I supose he's in an undisclosed location keeping his head down.

I wrote letters to Kyle and McCain teling them that if they were going to continue to support Bush, I could no longer support them. A few days later, I heard reports that McCain was losing popularity, so I guess I wasn't the only one. A lot of Bush supporters like him are going to have to do a lot of backpeddeling and distancing, if they are to keep their own image in the popular view. However, I meant what I said about McCain. As far as I'm concerned, his run for the White House is just exercise.

Did you ever notice that before the last election, there was hardly ever the mention of the word "bipartisan"? Now that Bush is set back on his heels, it bipartisan this, and bipartisan that. I'll be glad when he's out of the media focal point and I don't have to look at his smug face anymore. He's giving self-righteous people a bad name.

I start session 10 of my chemo treatment on Monday. Two more to go after that. Wahoo! I've been doing that stuff for so long, I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. The working out has helped. I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was and I'm making progress improvements as I dive into the next change in my program. I'm surprised to find that the best I feel all day is when I'm working out and pushing my body to its limits. The worst I feel all day is when I'm sitting on my can. I do believe there's a message there somewhere. This is especially true as the weather gets nicer everyday, and being outside feels so good. Sitting on my patio and using my wireless connection somehow feels so right.

Tax procrastination

I REALLY need to get going on my taxes, but this is a whole easier, so that job will have to wait just a little longer.

Aaron and I have been working out for about three or four weeks now, and I think we are beginning to see some improvement. Our strength has improved and I feel better than I have in a long time. We also play racquetball once a week. He continues to outscore me, but it takes him a half hour to do it. The gap in our scores is also closing. I do get tired and so we only play for an hour now. This is a great time for Aaron and I to spend together. We talk a little, but mostly just spend our time together doing something we like. He's really busy these days, so I treasure the limited time we have together.

I going to try introducing a little running into my routine on the days when I don't lift weights or ride the bike. My waist isn't changing much, so I'm going to ratchet up my workouts up a little to see if it helps.

Last weekend, I built a (sort of) greenhouse for Sue. It started out as an engineering project to see if I could create one, and turned out to be pretty neat. It's not especially large, but will give her some dedicated space to grow vegetables and stuff. It's partially self-watering also, so it won't take as much effort to keep going. We'll see how this pans out.

The big deal this week happened when I went to see the dentist. Since the surgery last year, I've noticed an acceleration in my teeth showing signs of wear. My dentist took a look and said that people who have had radiation treatments like I have, often have the same sort of things happening to their teeth. Deterioration increases, along with the added propensity for cavities. It doesn't help that I grind my teeth in my sleep like a millstone.

The good news is that he can fix it.
The bad news is the amount of damage requires some extensive work. This also means extensive charges, to the tune of about $9000 or so. Yikes!! I suspected it was going to cost, but I never imagined that sort of amount. He itemized it all out, and it all makes sense. It just doesn't make it any easier to swallow. Who has that sort of money for this sort of thing anyway? Maybe if your're a celebrity with lots of cash this wouldn't be a big deal, but an average joe like me, it's huge, huge bucks.

I guess I won't start building my new hot rod for quite a while. That gardening thing might turn out to be a something I can do in the mean time. Maybe I'll learn how not to murder the plants before they produce something good.

Ten Month Hiatus

From the begining of my brain tumor problems, I have laid off doing any kind of real physical working out. The result was not pretty. I've gained at least two inches to my middle and about 30 pounds. This was not only disappointing, but unhealthy as well. Although I've been wanting to get on some sort of program again, the chemo and the fatigue from it seemed to put my drive in "Park". But I've decided that I had had enough when my pant were beginning to get tight again... not to mention my profile in the mirror was looking less and less appealing.

I bought a Bowflex and a recumbent bike and decided that I was going to put a stop to my increasing diameter and limited energy level. Aaron, my youngest son felt the same way. He had backed off from his past activity, and for different reasons was feeling too big for his britches.

We have been working out regularly for just two weeks, and I have to say that for myself, I am already feeling the difference. My weight hasn't begun to drop yet, but my physical abilities on the machines has improved considerably. The best I feel all day is when I am working out. I already am feeling an increase in my energy level, albeit small, but I can tell it is having its positive effects. We have also begun playing racquetball once a week for an hour. We aren't back to our pre-tumor form, but the games are still way more lively that I ever expected.

I am just about to begin a new chemo cycle, so I don't know how all this will effect my performance, but I can already see that I won't be slumping back to my old level. I hope as I get stronger, my lack of energy will begin to fade and I can feel more like my prior self.

I bet my wife, Sue, $500 dollars I could be at a 32 inch waist by March 1. We never exchange the cash on our bets, but the pressure to live up to my bet is there all the same. Let's hope I didn't get in over my head this time.

Dimwit drivers beware

Recently I found a few sites that you may find of interest.

http://www.driversrevenge.com/
http://www.idiotdriveralert.com/
http://www.safedrivinginstitute.com/index2.html

We've all experienced bad drivers almost every day. People using their cell phones or pdas while driving, putting on make-up, eating, changing clothes, or just being a blockhead on the highway. I only drive a short distance to work everyday, but I see a never ending supply of bad drivers. I guess they feel that rules of the road are for everyone else. There are plenty of examples of really bad drivers on these sites, so I won't repeat them here. Check them out for yourself.

If you're tired of just putting up with all the idiot drivers out there, here is your chance to let your feelings be known. Record the pertinent information, then go to to one of these sites to voice your ire. If nothing else, you can let off a little steam. Maybe some real good will eventually come of this.

Warning! Rant Approaching: The new normal

I've been bugged by this for a long time, but this is the first time I've said something that probably bugs others as well.

Why has dishonesty become the norm? We see it and hear it every day... from politicians, diplomats, movie and TV stars, criminals, officials that are paid to serve us, etc. When asked a direct question, even when the smoking gun is obvious, their answer always seems to be that they didn't do it. "I did not have sex with that woman", "I didn't say that. It never happened", the plea is always "Not Guilty", or their memory no longer clear. When asked a direct question and their back is tightly against the wall, the facts suddenly seem foggy and unreliable. Their publicist tells the media that she was just going for a burger. It was the band's fault, not mine. It was a costume malfunction. I didn't know the stunt was dangerous. The files were inadvertently destroyed. Make a long winded statement and dance around the question, when all we really want is a simple Yes or No.

Is it me, or has personal integrity, moral principals, and responsibility become just a thing of our honored past and replaced with hypomnesia. I would have a hard time directly lying to someone I knew, let alone an entire country or group of admirers. However the people we most look up to do this to us every day. Deniability is practically cliche'.

Have we become such a jaded society that we have come to expect bullshit expanations instead of the simple truth?... Even under oath?... I hope not, but these days I'm not sure what the actual truth of any matter really is. Who can you really trust? If anyone knows, please tell me.

Spare tire

For the most part I've always been in pretty good shape. I've never had six-pack abs or bulging biceps, but I do OK. For the last ten months or so, I've found myself laying back... mostly because the chemo leaves me fatigued a lot of the time, but also because it's easier than fighting it. As a result, I've put on weight that I am not pleased with. I've lost a LOT of my muscle mass and I tire that much easier.

Well that's going to change, starting now. I've turned half the garage into a quasi-gym, and am putting in the things that will help me get back some of the muscle and drop some of the non-value added bulk I've put on. My most recent addition is a recumbent bike. I've always liked these and I find that with some good ole rock and roll playing, I can go for quite a while.

The Bowflex is for the strengthening thing, and I hope to get back some of what I have lost. I know I have to start out slow, but my main interest, is recovering my recovery rate. With a gym in my garage, I should be able to be a little more dilligent about it, but also I need to lay off the sweets, which have become a valued comfort food during my chemo treatments. My taste buds have suffered some, and this is one of the few foods that makes me feel good... a little too good I suppose, so it's going to take some will power to keep walking past the kitchen and into the garage. Maybe I should buy a set of blinders. Let's see how it goes.

Happy New Year

It's 2007 finally, and I'm as happy to see 2006 pass into memory as I can be. Some good things happened, but the year had to have been the worst one on record for me. What I plan to do now is focus on the coming one and don't dwell on what has already occurred. It's hard though. Having a brain tumor changes you in ways I never thought about.

I am one of the lucky ones though. Although I am destined to be in the chemo loop for a little while longer, for the most part I am unchanged. when I was in the hospital, I witnessed a number of people who were far worse off than me, with a significant uphill road ahead of them. I can't imagine what they had yet to experience, nor the dependence they will place upon their families during their recovery. And there were those whose tumor was not in a good place. Their time is limited, and there is little technology and medicine can do for them. We have learned much about the brain, but it seems like there is a lot more we don't know, and have made few real advances in the past twenty years. There is much to do.

This year I am setting my sights on getting back some semblance of myself as I was efore this all started. From nearly a year of low level activity, I have lost nearly half my muscle mass. This bothers me. I used to be in pretty good shape for me age, so I am anxious to get back some of what I've lost. Something tells me it's going to be a lot more of a challenge this time. I'm ready for the challenge, I just need to remember to pace myself and try to not do it all in one day.

Based on the Chinese Astrological chart, I am a metal tiger. I am passing out the negative three year cycle and into a positive one. This couldn't come at a better time, and I am looking forward to all that it may bring. My wife Sue keeps me laughing and admonishes me when necessary. I take this on the chin and use it as a reminder that I need to keep good thoughts in my head and a cheerfulness in my heart. I love this woman.

I'm not really lazy... Really!

I know it's been a while since I made a post. I didn't realize how long until I checked the date of my last one. Needless to say, I was a little embarrassed at my procrastination. The past several months have been a series of highs and lows because of the chemo and other outside influences, which were highlighted by the Toshiba drive in my laptop losing its lubrication, and therefore spinning at a speed less than appropriate to access my data. In other words, it essentially died.

It took a while to get the problem narrowed down to the fact that I had to send it somewhere to do a proper disk recovery not available locally, and it was going to be EXPENSIVE. Prices went as high as $2500 or so. After I regained consciousness I contacted a company in Florida called ECO Data Recovery. You can find them at http://www.ecodatarecovery.com. These guys are professional and fast. They have their own clean room facilities, and were able to disassemble the drive, and then do whatever was necessary to save my data onto an external drive I sent them, and then send it back to me. In the end, they recovered 100% of my volatile files, so I didn't lose anything from the experience. Their price for me was much less than anyone else I talked to, and they were understanding and sympathetic to my issues. If this is sounding like a plug for them, well I guess it is. I'd use them again in a heartbeat.

I've crossed over the six month of my five day chemo treatment and I'm feeling fairly good. My last MRI was clear with no lingering signs of the tumor. This is a terrific bit of news for me. I'm not saying I've beaten it yet, but as long as things stay the way they are now, I have a good chance of getting back to normal.

One of the first things I need to do is get back into shape. I weigh about 10 lbs more than I did 10 months ago, and because of my inactivity, I've lost about half my muscle mass. This bothers me a lot, because my profile in the mirror has really suffered. Before all of this tumor stuff I was in good shape. I went to the gym regularly and I taught martial arts twice a week. Because of my loss of muscle, I'm considerably less strong as I used to be. I can still do some things reasonably well, but I tire faster.

I need to come up with a plan to lose the spare tire and get my muscle strength returning. I'm a little concerned about jumping into a regimen and blowing myself out in the process. I've done this plenty of times when I was healthy, so I don't want to especially do it now. My diet isn't bad, I just don't seem to be able to lose any weight, which won't happen until my activity level increases. I sort of have a plan, but if I had a better idea of how to proceed, it would keep me on track. My willpower seems to have suffered during the last 10 months, so getting back in the saddle is all the more difficult. If I could afford a trainer to work with me, that would be the best way, but since I can't, I'm going to have to depend on my own fortitude to get things back to some semblance of the way I was.

This isn't a New Years' resolution, but it should be.
I still have more to add, but right now I need to pull the Christmas lights off the house.
Stay tuned, I promise to be back soon.

Long hot Summer

Well, here we are in mid-August and I'm 30% through my new chemo regimen. So far it hasn't been too bad, but I find that the fatigue is still hanging in there. I just pace myself and the days seem to glide by. Work doesn't seem to be affected, but there are times when I get a little sleepy in the afternoon, but I'm more inclined to think it's because of lunch, rather than anything else.

I have another MRI coming up in a little more than a week, so things should come more into focus for the longer term with that. I can't help but be a little tentative though. Those scans tend to be milestones, and I feel a little a little anxious as it approaches. I've become somewhat hypersensitive to what's going on inside my body now. You tend to analyze every little ache, or twinge, or soreness, and relate it back... especially when it's in the head region. Some of it is just stress I suppose.

I stopped reading about this, because there is nothing good or encouraging written. Everything has this gloom and doom approach. I don't need that. I want to keep positive, and I can't do that when most that is written has a negative spin.

I'm busier now, and I'm trying (in my own way) to work at projects that have been hanging around. I'm even getting them done... although not at warp speed.

Tumor update

It's been three weeks since my chemo and radiation sessions ended, and I think I'm beginning to feel closer to my old self again. I still have a little way to go to be ready to do my old gym routine, but if there's anything I've learned in working out over ther years, it 's that no matter what you did in your lay off time, it'll take a bit to recover the old form. we'll see how this goes.

Yesterday I had my new baseline MRI, and had a chat with both doctors. The whole thing was as positive experience as I could hope for. It went very well and the doctors were encouraged. I saw the MRI comparison and from what they can see (certainly MRI resolution has its limits) there is no visible trace of the tumor, except for the artifacts of the surgery. However that's not to say that there isn't something there. A tumor about the size of an eraser head has about 30000 cells in it, so a few virulent cells could be present and invisible to the scan. It's not a perfect world, but the future looks bright... at least for the short term and medium time frame we know of, but that is also a double edge sword. It was made plain to me that since we can't know whether it's ALL gone, there always a 90% probability that it will be back... in time (one year, three years, who knows?). I'm hoping for the 10% side of things and can say good bye to it for good.

I am unbelievably fortunate though. Because of the location, even though this tumor is as nasty as they get, there is still reasonably good options for future treatment, should it ever come to that. Nearly all people with this type of tumor are not so lucky and can potentially suffer adverse results of additional treatment. No one is happier about this than I am.

For the future, I still have six months of off and on five day a month chemo treatments to deal with at twice the dose I was getting. The chemo actually hasn't been much of a problem. I take an anti-nausea pill 30 minutes before, and then the chemo drugs about bed time. I wake up with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth, but that about the extent of it.

MRIs will come at increasingly longer intervals and as long as I keep showing no new growth, it bodes better for me as the months pass. The doctors made it clear that they are not done with me and will continue to act aggressively if the need should arise. Now it's just a matter of monitoring myself and being sensitive to my normal behavior. I can no longer take glitches in my physiology for granted, but as long as I feel right, everything else is just as right.

I'm not sure how to pull this all in to a big picture, but for the moment it's time to relax and celebrate the current victory.

Too much too soon

It's been a while since I posted here, and I know a few of my friends look here from time to time to see how I'm doing, so I thought I'd better write something new.

I went through six weeks of chemo and radiation therapy, finishing up a week ago. While it wasn't the worst thing to happen to me, it certainly put my constitution to the test. The chemo was taken at night just before I went to bed, and with the anti-nausea pill taken a half hour before, so the treatment wasn't bad. Over the six weeks I lost the desire for anything more to eat than I needed to keep me going, because I developed a bad taste in the back of my throat. It also constitpated me pretty bad, and took almost the six weeks to get that dialed in.
The drive to and from the radiation treatment was 50 miles a day, so that got to be a drag. But all in all, it was a long but uneventful six weeks. I'm glad it's over... sort of.

I've been free of the treatment for about a week now and I'm not snapping back like I expected. It's going to take a while, and I need to be patient with myself. I tend to push myself too hard and then I pay the price... like last weekend.

I put in a new slab and moved one wheelbarrow at a time of almost 2 yards of concrete from the truck to the slab during what turned out to be the hottest day of the year so far. By the time it was over, I had worked myself into a state of extreme heat exhaution, and spent the next two days laying low and drinking as much as I can to recover to a minimum level. Dumb, dumb, dumb. I know better, but obviously that didn't stop me from doing it anyway.

I need to take it easy for a while and let my body tell me when I'm ready to go to the next level again.

Yoga boy

Sue and I attended our first yoga class last night. It's offered for free at the gym we go to, so we figured, "why not?" We have been talking about this for a little while, so this was an opportunity to check it out. We step into an ongoing class and figured we could at least get a taste.

Let me tell you... this stuff is not for the unprepared. By the end of the class I was sweating as much as I do on a normal visit to the gym. Although we didn't work all that hard, the application of balance, stretching, flexibility, and muscle tension was a real workout. I enjoyed it a lot, and I can see that I have miles to go before I will feel comfortable with my abilities in this class.

Sue felt the same way, and even though she is getting is pretty good shape, she definitely felt about the same as I did after class.

I think I should have tried this about ten years ago.

Glioblastoma Grade IV

I will be starting my therapy soon and it looks like I have quite a fight ahead of me. It parallels the old wagon train approach of putting the wagons in a circle to fight off the Indian attack. I don't know how well they succeeded in their method, but there is nothing more serious in my coming life.

I've done a significant amount of reading and research, and I can only hope that health technology makes a breakthrough fast. What I read does not look very promising. I have done what I can to prepare so far, and I am leaving no stone unturned in my quest to find some magic that'll turn this whole thing around, but short of the miracle of miracles, the long term prognosis is a dark fog.

This is what I learned so far:

The only therapy(ies) that could possibly cure primary brain tumors must:
1. Treat the whole brain
2. Cross the Blood:Brain barrier
3. Get to each and every tumor cell
4. Kill all cell types within the tumor
5. Spare the remaining normal brain.

Using the Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM) as an example, the physician needs to consider the following factors:

GROWTH DYNAMICS (GBM)

Growth Fraction = 20 % (Only a percentage of the tumor is growing at any one time)
Cell Cycle Time = 2 - 5 Days (This is how long it takes a growing cell to reproduce)
Cell Loss = 80 - 90 % (A high percentage of cells spontaneously die off)
Doubling Time = Around 7 Days

Therefore, any therapy aimed at controlling the growth of this tumor must recognize the above dynamics. Therapy must catch the cells at the appropriate phase of the cell cycle (when they are sensitive to treatment), take into account tumor doubling time, and acknowlege that the growth fraction is relatively small.

There are other problems to take into account as well:

Many cells live in a low oxygen environment (hypoxic). These hypoxic cells are:

• * radio-resistant
• * often chemotherapy resistant
• * far from the blood supply

The blood supply to the tumor is quite peripheral, surrounding rather than entering it. The center of the tumor (necrotic center) contains living tumor cells. Therefore, much of the tumor is virtually unavailable to chemotherapy, radiation therapy, immunotherapy or any other therapy.

Standard Therapy

To date, the best treatment for the malignant astrocytoma and GBM is a combination of:

• * Surgery (Gross total removal, i.e. 80 - 99 %)
• * Radiotherapy (5,000 - 6,000 Rads)
• * Chemotherapy (BCNU)

This combination is now "standard therapy", and has been the benchmark to which all other therapies have been compared. Unfortunately, this protocol represents only a single month of improvement over surgery alone! In other words, in over thirty years of clinical research, very little has been done with any outstanding success! (The newly formed Foundation for Neuosurgical Research, however, is dedicated to changing this track record. It will be focused specifically on brain tumor patient improvement alone!)

"Standard therapy" in this country has failed to alleviate, despite spawning 400-plus new, different protocols. This presents a mind-boggling problem for patients and their families, especially when ofttimes they don't even know what a brain tumor really is! Added to the confusion is the enormous proliferation of new technologies becoming available to treat these tumors: lasers, stereotactic computers, cryosurgery, thermal killing machines, ultrasound, radiosurgery, the Gamma Knife, the X-Knife, photoirradiation, blood:brain barrier disruption, boron neutron capture, etc.

Where do science and technology meet the logic of brain tumor biology? What is purely experimental? What is logically worth the effort? What are the numbers? Where does a therapist's enthusiasm for new technology or protocol end, and logical approach to these tumors begin? These are just some of the newer questions which arise during the first weeks after coming in contact with the problem of a malignant brain tumor.

A Guide to the Perplexed

Considering all of the above, the following is a suggested method for approaching the therapy of malignant primary brain tumors. Be logical.

Imagine that a particular tumor weighs about 100 grams. Consider the following:

100 gm of tumor = 100 billion cells, approximately.

If a tumor size can double in volume in a matter of weeks, it would make sense to decrease the size of the mass of the tumor right away. Otherwise, a patient could not make it through a treatment course. Surgery is the way to radically reduce the volume of a tumor, removing anywhere from 80 to 99% of the tumor mass. Recent advances in surgical technologies have aided in the removal of brain tumor tissue with a newer, higher net percentage tumor reduction of 90-99%. These include computer assisted stereotactic surgery, laser instrumentation (carbon dioxide, argon, and Yag), ultrasonic aspiration, operative phototherapy, etc.

Consider the following:

• 90% removal of tumor (100,000,000,000 cells), leaves 10 billion cells
• 99% removal of tumor (100,000,000,000 cells), leaves 1 billion cells

Thus, no matter how good the local surgical therapy is, the patient is still left with at least 1 billion tumor cells!

There now remains the combination of therapies: follow up the initial volume reduction therapy with something else. The usual choices are radiotherapy or chemotherapy. In the best of circumstances, one could expect another 90-99% reduction in tumor cell number. Another 90-99.9 % cell reduction still leaves 1 million to 100 million cells.

The logical procedure now would be to hit the tumor again with yet something else, (usually radiation or chemotherapy) that might attack the remaining cell population.

If left without treating a third time, it is possible that the tumor could return to its original size in as few as 6 weeks, factoring in the numbers mentioned above.

This is not encouraging news, but Sue and I are committed to battle this thing with all the fight we have in us. Feel free to send any positive vibes our way. We're going to need them.

It pays to be wierd

What a difference a week makes. Last week at this time I had just had my skull opened up and a tumor taken out... and this week, I'm ready to pick up like nothing had happened.

I've had plenty of time to read and gather information on my present situation and I've learned some amazing things. That if you're a caucasian male over 50, you have basically a 2-3 in 100,000 chance of getting a tumor. Now the one I have or (had, I hope), is just a fraction of that number. In fact, a tumor in the cerebellum rarely occurs. Which is why I say it pays to be wierd. I never considered that to be an advantage, but I guess I'll stay with it.

I feel great, and although the 4 inch line of staples behind my right ear is not the best thing to see at the moment, I'm grateful for the fast action by the medical team at the Barrow's Neuroloical Instutute in Phoenix. Those people are THE BEST.

I witnessed first hand the other side of the coin. Guys with the same tumor in their cerebrum (the thinking part) and it made me realize how lucky I really was. Those people have a long and difficult recovery process, and a huge burden will be placed upon the people closest to them. I hope they get through it OK and can get their lives back on track. It won't be easy in any sense of the word.

I know I still have a long path ahead and I can't become complacent as time passes. It would become easy to do when you're feeling good and can forget about the trauma of the experience, but I need to be sure I don't. The quality of my life in the future depends on my never forgetting what just happened. I was incredibly fortunate, and with persistent awareness I can keep things this way.

It's been a wild week

Saturday thru Tuesday were bad days. Monday I couldn't keep anything down so we went to to doc on Tuesday morning. He told us to go to Barrows Neurological Institute ER as fast as we could arrange it and he would tell them I was coming. We went that afternoon and they admitted me to the ICU right away.

I had surgery the next day for the tumor and after spending the next few days there was released on Friday afternoon. The dizziness is gone, but I have a long road of radiation and Chemo therapy ahead. This tumor is somwhat of an oddity to they bacause tuomrs of this type aren't typically found in the cerebellum, but in the thinking part of the brain. This is extremely fortunate for me.

The Barrows folks are going to discuss my case and decide just what they are dealing with and how to treat it, but in the meantime I still need to focus on my life and my job and get back to normal as soon as possible. The sooner, the better.

Astrocytoma

Astrocytoma doesn't seem like a very scary word, but it should. The beauty and the curse about the internet is that there's more information than is possible (or needed) on any subject that you care to look up. Words that you didn't know existed, suddenly become part of your everyday existence, and change the way you look at your life and the people around you. That's what happened here.

A couple of weeks ago, I began to have symptoms of vertigo. I had had the flu or something like it recently and attributed my sudden equilibrium problems to an inner ear instability. My brother had suffered through this and I first assumed it was something like this. My problem was that my imbalance would last for three or four days, and it was all I could do to work my way from the bed to the couch. I had migraines and the muscles at the back of my neck ached incessantly. After four days I was able to go to work, but the vertigo never totally left me. It just subsided to a point that I felt competent to move about and not look like I was on something.

I functioned reasonably well for a few days, when I woke up one day and it was back with a vengence. I spent the next four days barely able to negotiate from one point in my house to another. I was nauseated from the vertigo so bad at times that I found it necessary to scurry on my hands and knees to the bathroom the vomit.

The doctor ordered a CT scan and called me the very same evening to inform me that I had an astrocytoma on my cerebellum, or in simple language, a tumor at the base of my brain. At this point I am waiting to see him again to come up with a plan to deal with it, but knowing it's there and the cause for all my balance problems has changed my life.

Of course I went out the the internet right away and did my research. However, not having any specifics yet raised more questions than it answered. I now know that my vertigo will not pass on its own and that surgery is the primary method with dealing with an astrocytoma. The grade of severity is as of yet unknown to me, but I'm hoping from the sketchy information the doctor gave me, that my own problem is not as bad as it could be.

At this point, I am functioning on a level that's a fraction of what it was. I've always pushed my physical abilities when I hit the gym or taught martial arts, or even working in the yard around the house. For the moment, those times are all on hold and I just do what I can without aggravating my condition. This is not the way I viewed the beginning of this year, that's for sure.

Another week gone

I started a new job on February 7. It's actually with a company I worked for before, and left to go to the job that laid me off. They were in need enough to want me back, so I took the position. It's a good thing I did, because other offers didn't come. I had a few people contact me, but they were just fishing and not actually interested in hiring me. In some cases, they were hoping I knew someone else that was looking for a job, but they weren't interested in me. That's a load of crap, but in cases like that, I don't even dignify their contact.

We've had the new Artha Gallery site up for about two and a half months now, but we seem to be drifting into obscurity. We've redone the site completely and added a lot more merchandise to broaden the appeal, but we are getting little activity. This is a puzzle and a disappointment. I'm not sure what to do about this at the moment, but it doesn't look like going with Yahoo was my best choice.

I'm glad February 2006 is history.

On the street

Well, Tuesday turned out to be the low-light of the week. Budget cuts and lack of work forced my employer to let me go. Reality still hasn't sunk in yet; I guess I'm still in shock. Sue hasn't said much either. I guess she senses my disappointment and loss and prefers to just say silent.

Since I didn't sleep very well, I've already put my resume out on all the various job boards, but in all the years I've had it out there, nothing ever came of it. I don't expect anything more than that now. For the moment I just plan on taking the next several days doing things that have stacked up in the normal course of daily life.

I haven't come up with a plan as to what to do next. Maybe I'll just have breakfast and think about my options.

Back to normal... sort of

Recovering from the holidays is underway and as a result the annual tradition of having more to do than time allows is also in full swing. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the precipice of chaos, without ever quite falling off it. Of course the load of stuff will eventually diminish and I’ll once again begin to feel like I have control over my time.

Sue and I got the last remaining links of Artha Gallery up and running, although there is still merchandise left to get on the site. This takes a little pressure off, and I can focus on some other matters for a bit.

The iPod Nano I got for Christmas makes my workouts at the gym seem a little less boring. I still am having trouble getting the after-holiday blues out of my system, so the momentum required to get my butt to the gym is ever-present.

Right now all I want to do is have some quiet time with Sue and forget about all of this other stuff.

Happy 2006! Where did 2005 go?

I can hardly believe this year has flashed by the way it did. At this point last year I was packing up to relocate back to Arizona, after a fantastic year in Seoul, Korea. Man, how I miss that place! I know now that if the conditions were conducive, I would move back there in a heartbeat. Living in Arizona has lost its appeal for me. I'm here because I have to live somewhere and work somewhere, but I can say now that this is not the right place.

Sue and I have accomplished a lot though. We both are working, bought a home, and have settled in about as much as any normal couple could be expected. I'm teaching Shinkendo through one of the local city parks and recreation associations and am enjoying it very much. I have always liked teaching, and this give me the double satisfaction of doing something I like and introducing new kids to the art. It's a great oportunity for me.

The most significant personal accomplishment we made is to restart ownership of a retail web site. You can find it at Artha Gallery. A long time friend (who in fact I have yet to meet in person) had this site and offered it to me to take over. Sue and I had considered cranking up a site, and when this chance was placed before us, it seemed like the right opportunity at the right time. We shall see. We don't expect to quit our day jobs any time in the near future, but it may offer us some other way of saving a little more money for the future.

Blog cancer

Yes, it appears to be true that my poor blog, which never did anything to hurt anyone, is dying a slow and painful death. It was never my intention to let this happen. I tried to do all of the right things to keep it healthy. Nevertheless, it contracted this condition through ignorance and the fact that it's not the most important thing in my daily life.

However, I am hoping to bring it back from the brink of death. There is much to be told and commented on. Ten months have passed since my last entry, and since I am no Rumplestiltskin, I also have not been idle. In fact a great deal has happened. Actually , I made my last meaningful entry on December 18. Geez, Has it been so long already? I guess so.

Everything about our life has changed since then, and fighting to keep this blog alive may also help me retain some semblance of keeping my life on track and ordering my thoughts.

It's a hope anyway.